Deep-Sea Blowfisb

(The Easy Version - not requiring years of training)

SERVES 2 AS A STARTER

1 deep-sea blow fish

50g sea bream or other white fish,

absolutely fresh, filleted 3—4 radishes 2—3 spring onions a few sprigs of watercress

an eggcup full of light soy sauce to use as a dip, mixed with:

1 teaspoon mustard or

2 teaspoons lemon juice or 1 clove garlic, crushed

THE MOST IMPORTANT thing here is not to use any of the blowfish whatsoever,, since every single part of it is deadly in a very unpleasant way. Basic'ly, they'd be able to bury you in an envelope. So, after covering all work surfaces, dispose of the blow-fish very carefully. Better yet, get someone else, perhaps someone you don't like very much but who doesn't owe you any money, to dispose of the blowfish. An incinerator would be an ideal place, provided the smoke is blowing in the direction of unnecessary people.

Of course, you might ask why bother to obtain a deep-sea blow-fish at all? Well, if you do not, the dish will still be very pleasant. But it will not have that delicate frisson, as they call it, which lifts the dish to gastronomic heaven. Connoisseurs claim they can tell by the taste if a blowfish has been anywhere near the kitchen on the day of preparation, and woe betide the chef who just couldn't be bothered to go out

27

and buy one. They say the dish knows there's been a blowfish nearby.

I heard where some wizards reckon that the blowfish business is a bit like that idea that water remembers what's been in it. That's pretty clever. But when you think of some of the things that people have put in water, and then remember that water goes round and round again, maybe it's best to drink beer.

My feelin' is that people know the dish is a genuine blowfish dish when they've been charged $100 for it. If some food wasn't so expensive, no one would eat it.

Since blowfish are so very expensive, perhaps you'd just better settle for the rest of the recipe:

Check the fish for any scales or bones and remove any you find. Place in a colander and quickly pour boiling water over it, then immediately plunge the fish into a bowl of cold water; the object is not to cook it but to make sure it is clean.

Finely slice the radishes and spring onion (lengthways) and arrange into pretty patterns on two plates, along with the watercress. Using a very sharp knife, carefully slice the fish as thinly as possible. Serve immediately, with the soy dip.

Бананановый суп сюрприз.

 

Люди спрашивают: «Что удивительного в бананановом супе?». А я отвечаю: «Наличие  в нем банананов». Конечно, если Вы когда-нибудь читали мою книгу «Закуски Джоуи», то заметите, что некоторые из моих  специальных ингредиентов здесь   опущены. Люди жаловались, что они делают  суп немного излишне удивительным.

На 4 порции.

4 больших очищенных банана

470 мл. овощного бульона

155 мл. сухого хереса

1 ч. ложка мускатного ореха

1 ч. ложка  коричневого сахара

2 ч. ложки нарезанного кервеля

1  ч. ложка лимонного сока

щепотка соли и перца

            Измельчить два бананана  и положить в кастрюлю с бульоном.  Перемешивать до тех пор, пока не получится пюре. Медленно довести смесь до кипения (но ни в коем случае не кипятить!!!) и добавить остальные ингредиенты. Осторожно перемешивать 2-3 минуты,  дабы убедиться, что весь сахар растворился, и кипятить еще 5 минут на медленном огне, частенько помешивая.

            Возьмите оставшиеся 2 бананана и разрежьте каждый из них поперек на 2 половинки. Поставьте по половинке  в каждую тарелку, острым концом вверх. Разлить суп по тарелкам и подавать на стол.

Сюрприз, не правда ли?

Celery Astonishment

All right, it's not that astonishing. They wouldn't let me add all the inter-estin' bits, especially the aubergine. They said someone's wife laughed. I just think mealtimes should be amusing. That's my opinion.

SERVES 2

1 large head of celery

300(7 cooked nee

1 green pepper, seeded

and chopped 3 tomatoes, chopped

60g grated Parmesan cheese 1 teaspoon lemon juice 1 tablespoon chopped tarragon 1 egg, beaten salt and pepper

PREHEAT THE OVEN to 2OO°C/Gas 6. Prepare the celery by carefully removing the inner stalks, any leaves, mud, etc., to form a hollow. Mix together all the remaining ingredients except the egg, and check seasoning. Bind together with the egg-

Take a large piece of lightly oiled cooking foil and place it on a baking tray. Place the celery on the foil and stuff it with the mixture. Tie with string around the loose ends to prevent the stuffing falling out, wrap in the foil, and bake in the oven for lV₂-2 hours until celery is tender.

To serve, carefully unwrap and place on an oval serving platter with two judiciously placed baked potatoes mayhap. Carve at the table.

Первичный бульон

Очень популярное блюдо  в Незримом Университете (и, по слухам, среди богов – тоже). Считается, что именно из  этого супа развилась вся жизнь, и если вам будет лень выплескивать его несколько дней, то жизнь в нем определенно заведется. *

На 4 порции, как основное блюдо или на 6, как первое блюдо.

470 мл. рыбного бульона

50 гр. филе семги или лосося

50 гр. филе трески

12 очищенных мидий

50 гр. крабового мяса (приготовленного)  или 4 крабовые палочки, разделить на волокна

6-10 маленьких щупалец осьминога, очищенных

230 гр. консервированной томатной пасты

150 мл. сухого белого вина

2-3 зубчика чеснока, раздавленные

1 ст.  ложка порезанной петрушки

1 ст. ложка порезанного  укропа

1 ч. ложка паприки

2 гнезда вермишели (прибл. 25 гр. каждое)

100 гр. креветок, вареных и очищенных

несколько  капель коричнево-зеленого пищевого  красителя (не обязательно)

1 крупное яйцо, взбитое

соль и перец.

Разогрейте рыбный бульон в большой кастрюле. Нарежьте крупными кусками семгу и треску и опустите в бульон.

            Варите на небольшом огне, пока рыба не будет почти готова. Затем снимите кастрюлю с огня и перемешивайте суп до тех пор, пока куски рыбы не распадутся на волокна. Вновь поставьте кастрюлю на огонь, добавьте мидии, крабовое мясо и щупальца осьминога. Доведите до кипения, снимите с огня. Добавьте томатную пасту и вино, положите зелень, чеснок, приправы, вермишель и креветки, и варите до готовности вермишели. Если необходимо, добавьте коричневый пищевой краситель и специи. В заключение  влейте взбитое яйцо, аккуратно помешивая. Затем   доведите смесь до кипения и кипятите несколько секунд, снимайте с плиты и подавайте на стол.

*Теоретически (см. Наука Плоского мира) первичный бульон должен быть ярко-бирюзового цвета. Но ни кого там не было, так чего же волноваться?

Bread and Water

(Kindly donated by Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork)

3 whole, freshly baked loaves 1 flagon freshly drawn water

HOWEVER EFFICIENT A ruler may be, there is always someone, isn't there, who feels that his diet might be improved by some artificial additive, such as arsenic. Many rulers have sought ways to avoid this. This is one classical method:

Have sufficient dough made to make three loaves of bread. Bake the resulting loaves in an oven. Both these operations should be supervised by at least two reliable employees.

Select one of the three loaves (the other two must be eaten by the baker). Slice it. Select slices at random and have these tested in your presence by members of the Palace staff (or members of your family if you are not fortunate enough to live in a palace). From the remaining slices select one; place this on a plate selected at random from the kitchens. Have the remaining plates licked by the kitchen staff; pause to observe any negative reactions to this operation, or to the earlier slice-testing.

In the meantime, have a bucket of water drawn from the well. Have this boiled, poured into a flagon and cooled. From this flagon pour four glasses of water. Select three at random and have them drunk by different members of the Palace staff from those who are testing the bread/plates.

You might now believe that you have a glass of water and some slices of bread that are free of poison, in which case you have failed to grasp the situation. There are such things as antidotes, which even a trainee poisoner will have taken as a precautionary measure. And then of course there was the case of Lord Samphire: the bread

passed the test, and so did the water. The problem came to light only if you ate the bread and then drank the water.

Here is my preferred method, which has stood me in good stead.

1 Arrange the politics of the country over a period of years so that poisoning you will be more trouble than it is worth and interfere with the private ambitions of too many people just at the moment.

2 Make sure that there are among the city's civil service some unpredictable men who will consider your poisoning a personal insult against them, and generally cause a lot of fuss.

3 Then eat what you please.

Mrs Colon's Genyoom Klatcbian Curry

A note from the editors: Few recipes in these pages have caused so much debate as this one. Anyone over the age of forty knows how the classic recipe goes, because it has been invented and reinvented thousands of times by ladies who have heard about foreign parts but have no wish to bite into them.

Its mere existence is a telling argument for a liberal immigration policy.

Like real curry, it includes any ingredients that are to hand. The resemblance stops there, however. It must use bright green peas, lumps of swede and, for the connoisseur of gastronomic history, watery slivers of turnip. For wateriness is the key to this curry; its 'sauce' should be very thin and of an unpleasant if familiar colour. And it must use a very small amount of 'curry powder', a substance totally unknown in those areas where curry grows naturally, as it were; sometimes it's enough just to take the unopened tin out of the pantry and wave it vaguely over the pan. Oh, and remember that the sultanas must be yellow and swollen. And soggy. And sort of gritty, too (ah, you remember . . .)

Last-minute warning: This recipe has been changed slightly in order to make it quite nice really. Well, better than the real thing, anyway. A lot better, come to think of it. Foreigner-free curry is probably the nearest most humans get to the philosophy behind dwarf bread; the mere thought of it makes you prepared to eat almost anything else.

S E R V E S 4

2 tablespoons sunflower oil

1 large omon, roughly chopped

2 cloves garlic, chopped

225g broccoli florets

1 red pepper, seeded and chopped

1 green pepper, seeded and chopped

350g swede, chopped and boiled

until just tender 225g peas (frozen mil be fine) 50g raisins or sultanas 1 teaspoon each of ground ginger,

cumin and coriander

1 teaspoon curry powder (optional, for old time s sake) /2 teaspoon ground turmeric 175ml coconut milk

250ml vegetable stock tomato puree to thicken, if needed 2 teaspoons brown mustard seeds salt and black pepper

PREHEAT THE OVEN to 180°C/Gas 4. Heat the oil in a large frying pan. Add the onion, garlic, broccoli, peppers and cook until the onion starts to soften. Then add the part-cooked swede, the peas and raisins and cook gently for a further 5 minutes. Add the spices (but not the mustard seeds), the coconut milk and about half the vegetable stock. Cook for a further 10 minutes or so, adding extra stock if the mixture needs it. If it seems too runny, add a little tomato puree to thicken.

Transfer the mixture to a casserole dish, season, sprinkle with the mustard seeds, cover and cook in the oven for about 45 minutes. Serve with rice or nan bread. Run away. %

Sergeant Fred Colon of Ankh-Mbrpork City Watch is a man known to be against 'anything foreign' in all walks of life. This curry, devised by his wife, is one of a range of special 'morporkified' Colon dishes that include the Fish 'n' Chip Pizza, Fried Sushi and smorgasbord with the tops on.

Sheep s Eyes

Everyone knows they eat sheep's eyes in

Klatch, but no one reports actually seeing

them doin' it.* I call this suspicious.

Oh, yes, they offer them to guests.

I bet if I lived in a desert I'd do

anything for a laugh, too. This

recipe is, er, restored. That is,

it's a complete fake. But it's a lot

more edible.

eyeball-sized pickled onions (as many as you wish to make)

stuffed green olives tube of cream cheese

CAREFULLY REMOVE THE inside of each onion, taking care to leave the outer skins intact except for a hole at either end. (Note: one of the holes must be big enough to have an olive pushed through it.) Half fill the skin with cream cheese and then insert an olive, making sure that the stuffing is visible . . . some of the cheese should squirt out of the other end, making a 'tail'. If it doesn't, squirt in more until it does!

*See Jingo for the correct etiquette when offered sheep's eyes.

Slumpie

Your classic Sto Plains Slumpie, one of Ankh-Morpork's most famous dishes, is one of your stick-to-the-ribs meals, 'cos there's times when it's too cold for any of that fancy vitamin stuff. Technic'ly, Slumpie should have vast amounts of mashed-up elderly potatoes and swedes, with a big knob of butter to help 'em, but Slumpie is a bit like chop suey, which is Agatean for 'all the labels have fallen off the tins', and you can make it out of more or less anything so long as you call it Slumpie. This one has got some actual flavour, and is designed as a main dish rather than as something to stop the meat falling off the plate.

SERVES 3-4

500g minced beef

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

3 cloves garlic, chopped

WOg fresh mushrooms, sliced

470ml beef stock

470ml dark ale

375g frozen leaf spinach

1 tablespoon tomato puree I heaped teaspoon rubbed sage 1 heaped teaspoon English mustard salt and pepper

60g butter and 60g flour, mixed to a smooth paste (optional; use, if required, to thicken the sauce)

BROWN THE MINCE in the oil with the garlic. Add the mushrooms, stock and ale and bring to the boil. Add the spinach and the rest of the ingredients and bring back to the boil. Simmer for about half an hour or until the liquid has reduced by about a quarter.

Serve with clooty dumplings (page 56), or with mash.

Картофельные лепешки от Ринсвинда

Примечание от редакторов: Мы признаем наличие некоторых трудностей в получении рецепта от Ринсвинда, самого известного  волшебника Незримого университета. Это связано с большим количеством беготни на   огромной скорости, поскольку главный талант Ринсвинда - это удирать сломя голову от чего угодно пугающего, и если задуматься, то это довольно хорошее определение мироздания. Оригинальный рецепт, который он выкрикнул из-за плеча, звучал так: «Картофель! Уйма картофеля! В кожуре! В гигантских, огромных ваннах масла!»

Это показалось нам очень похожим на рецепт Библиотекаря (см. стр. 80), хотя здесь используется скорее овощ, чем фрукт (за исключением того, что формально картофель – это орех).

Однако мы понимаем, что Ринсвинд был настолько далек от вещи, которая делает жизнь заслуживающей внимания (картофеля), что он будет, есть все, в чем есть картофель.

MAKES 6-8

1 луковица, мелко нарезанная

350 гр. приготовленного картофельного пюре

1 чайная ложка шалфея

1 или 2 взбитых яйца

100 гр. белых панировочных сухарей

подсолнечное масло

Припустить лук в небольшом количестве масла. Перемешать картофельное пюре с шалфеем и луком, охладить смесь. Из смеси сделать маленькие пирожки с начинкой из говядины. Обмакиваете пирожок в яйцо, а потом в сухари. Жарите на сковородке до золотисто коричневого цвета.

            Лепешки просто восхитительны и их можно есть на бегу.

Lady Sybil Vimes's Kedgeree

I have to tell you that this should have been a recipe from Commander Vimes of Ankh-Morpork City Watch. He is a man who thinks that if it isn't fried it isn't really food, and the recipe would have been Pork Scratchings Cookies, which are a real treat for anyone whose favourite food group is Burnt Crunchy Bits.

However, Lady Sybil feels that since he's a Duke and a Sir and a couple of other things as well her husband should have more nobby* tastes, and there's nothing more nobby than those breakfasts where you have to lift three silver lids before you even find something you recognize. Even though he feels a bit of a class traitor. Commander Vimes agrees that there's nothing like a bit of early-morning haddock to build an empire.

I always say that if you've got a good breakfast inside you you can face anything the day has in store.

""Which is not the same as the same tastes as Nobby Nobbs, and certainly not the same as the taste of Nobby. Sometimes even my mind can boggle a bit.

SERVE S 4

150g long-grain nee 125ml milk 125ml water 450g smoked haddock

50g butter

1 tablespoon mild curry powder

2 hardboiled eggs, chopped salt and pepper

ADD THE RICE to a saucepan of boiling salted water and cook until al dente (posh for one step away from being mushy) - about 15-20 minutes. Drain and rinse it, and leave in the strainer.

In a frying pan heat the milk and water to simmering point, add the fish and poach gently for about 5 minutes. Lift out the fish and carefully remove the skin and bones; break up the flesh into medium-sized pieces. Discard the cooking liquid.

Melt half the butter in the frying pan, blend in the curry powder, add the flaked fish and warm the mixture through. Remove from the heat and stir in the chopped eggs. Season with salt and pepper.

In a separate pan melt the remaining butter, add the rice and stir well to coat the grains. Season, then add this mixture to the fish and eggs. Mix well.

Serve on a warmed dish. Then go out and conquer a continent.

Fikkun Haddock

As my dad used to say, if you're goin' to have a haddock you don't want a fin'un. By the time they got all the way up to Lancre, in the mountains, the fish were high in more ways than one and a good cook would try all sorts of ideas to disguise the flavour, such as serving it in delicate sauces, often involving creosote, or, in the worst cases, wrapping it in lead foil and throwing it over a cliff. This one is for fish who aren't so far gone!

SERVES 3-4

30g butter

a dash of olive oil

1 medium onion, sliced

375g smoked haddock fillets

(skins removed) 300m/ fish stock

300ml dry cider 2—3 sprigs of tarragon, chopped 2—3 sprigs of chervil, chopped 1 tablespoon wholegram mustard salt and pepper

MELT THE BUTTER in a large pan with the olive oil, add the onion and saute for around 5 minutes until softened, taking care not to burn it. Add the fish and cook for a couple of minutes on each side, then pour in the cider and enough of the stock to cover the fish. Add the remaining ingredients and stir gently. Bring to the boil, cover the pan and leave to simmer for a further 5 minutes. When the fillets start to break up, season to taste. No creosote need be used.

Genuine Howondaland Curry

(Taken from the writings of Ponce da Quirm)

Ponce da Quirm spent his whole life exploring foreign parts, I heard, and maybe it was because people laughed at his name.* Apparently he was looking for the Fountain of Youth and the odd thing about this sort of business is that it's never, ever close to. You'd think, on average, that some of these lost fountains of youth, trees of life and cities of gold would be really close, but they never are. And you never get people from a long way off coming to our part of the world lookin' for, as it might be, the Cottage of Doom or the Lost Chicken Shed.

Ponce brought back fourteen different kinds of plant and seven inter-estin' sorts of animal to this part of the world, but he insisted very firmly that none of them were named after him. That's how everyone remembers him.

This curry was one he made up durin' a period when he was shipwrecked on an island that had nothing but great big fat chickeny-birds that couldn't even fly. He did leave one, though, so's not to upset the balance of nature. Sometimes I reckon it would be better if there was a Fountain of Growing Up.

SERVE S 4

4 chicken breasts, skinned and

cut into cubes small pot natural yoghurt 1cm piece of ginger root, grated 6—8 garlic cloves, crushed 2 tablespoons olive oil

1 large onion, chopped 4 fresh green chilli peppers, seeded and finely chopped I2 tablespoon ground cumin I2 tablespoon ground coriander 1 teaspoon turmeric

* See Eric.

1 400ml tin of coconut milk

water

salt to taste

fresh coriander leaves, chopped

Note: You could use a tin of tomatoes instead of the coconut milk, or liquidized cashew nuts.

MIX THE CHICKEN cubes in a bowl with the yoghurt, half the grated ginger and half the crushed garlic. Leave for at least half an hour, or, better, overnight.

Heat the oil in a large pan, and cook the chopped onion for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until it is a definite brown. Some bits might be even dark brown - this changes the taste and makes the curry sweeter.

Stir in half the chillies, the remaining ginger and garlic, and the powdered spices. You should have a paste. Tip in the coconut milk and cook for about 8-10 minutes, or until the mixture starts to get really dry and the oil starts to come out (this shouldn't happen unless the heat is too high).

When it all looks thoroughly cooked and a nice thick sauce consistency, add the chicken and yoghurt mix, and a splash of water (about half a mug) and some salt. You could add a bit of lemon juice and a pinch of sugar if you want. Turn the heat down if it's higher than mediumish, and let it simmer away slowly for 15-30 minutes.

Just before the end (5 minutes) add chopped green chillies to taste. You can put chopped fresh coriander leaves on the top, if you like, for that authentic Howondaland restaurant look.

Eat with nan. In fact, invite all your relatives.

Пирог с устрицами и морковью.

Морковь помогает Вам видеть в темноте, а  устрицы дают то, на  что  смотреть, так я обычно говорю. Я  всегда готовила это пирог для первого Господина Ягга, и он ни когда не жаловался.  Уверяю Вас, он никогда не жаловался.

            Считается, что устрицы делают Вас весьма игривым. Однако посмотрите на устрицу в пруду. Возвратитесь несколько часов спустя  и взгляните на нее снова.  Вы заметили какие-либо  изменения?  Нет. То есть именно настолько устрицы игривы. Мне рассказывали, что процесс создания  новых устриц происходит далеко от самих  устриц, и я не  вижу в этом ничего привлекательного для людей.

            Примечание: Вы можете использовать свежих устриц (примерно 12  штук), но, на самом  деле, можно взять и консервированных, так намного проще, и они всегда доступны.

На две порции

85 гр. консервированных, копченых устриц в масле

125 гр. тертой моркови

1 ч. ложка нарезанного кервеля

1 ч. ложка нарезанного  укропа

150 мл. Шабли (или другого сухого белого вина)

300 мл. рыбного бульона

30 гр. сыра Стилтон

250  гр. слоеного теста

Предварительно разогреть духовку до 200 градусов Цельсия. Смешать устриц с морковью  и травами в небольшой кастрюле. Влить вино и добавить бульона так, чтобы жидкость закрыла смесь, сверху  накрошить сыр.

            Раскатать тесто в блин примерно   1 см.  толщиной  и  тщательно закрыть им кастрюлю. Обрезать все  излишки теста и сделать сверху маленькое отверстие для  выхода пара. Выпекать в верхней части духовки  примерно 25  - 30 минут или пока тесто   не поднимется и  станет золотисто коричневым.

Mrs Whitlow's Artery-Hardening Hogswatcb Pie

This is the pie favoured by Mrs Whitlow, housekeeper at Unseen University, as a handy snack for wizards around the dark time of year. It may seem difficult to feed a lot of hungry wizards, but experience has taught her, she says, to put something large in front of them. It often doesn't matter much what it is.

However, it is a matter of pride to her that it should be something worthwhile. It is sometimes as long as two hours between meals at UU, and a senior wizard will definitely feel rather peckish. This is a good filler.

SERVE S 8

FOR THE PASTRY

45 Og plain flour 1 teaspoon salt lOOg lard

150ml water

4 tablespoons milk

FOR THE FILLING

225g lean pork, minced 225g cooked ham, finely chopped 1 small onion, finely chopped I₂ teaspoon ground allspice I₂ teaspoon ground nutmeg 1 teaspoon dried rubbed sage

35 Og cooked pork cocktail sausages beaten ew, to daze

aV o

2 teaspoons powdered gelatine 150ml hot ham stock

150ml port

salt and pepper

PREHEAT THE OVEN to 2OO°C/Gas 6. Grease a raised pie mould, 18-20cm round, or a 1kg loaf tin. To make the pastry, sift the flour and salt into a mixing bowl. Put the lard, water and milk in a saucepan, stir over a medium heat until the lard is melted and then bring to the boil. Pour on to the

flour and work into a pliable dough. Knead lightly. Roll out three-quarters of the pastry and use to line the greased pie mould or tin.

To make the filling, combine the pork, ham, onion, spices and sage in a bowl and season well with salt and pepper. Put half of this mixture in the base of the pie, cover with the whole cocktail sausages and then with the remaining minced pork mixture.

Roll out the remaining pastry for a lid (saving a little for decoration), and cut a small hole in the top. Dampen the pie's pastry edges, cover with the lid and press well together. Roll out the last bits of pastry and make sausage or pig shapes; arrange these on the top, finally brushing the whole with beaten egg. Bake in the oven for 30 minutes. Reduce the temperature and bake for a further 1 A -1 12 hours, covering the pie with greaseproof paper when it is sufficiently browned.

Dissolve the gelatine in the stock, season well and add the port. As the pie cools, pour the stock into the pie through a funnel inserted in the hole, tilting the pie to ensure that the stock is evenly distributed inside the pie.

Cool, then chill overnight until firm, before removing from the tin. Serve cut into slices. .

Brodequin Ron Faqon Ombres

A bit of an odd one, this. It's foreign for 'Man's boots in mud'. They say that a posh restaurant in Ankh-Morpork ended up one day with nothing in its larder but mud and old boots and a restaurant full of people.* Now, some people might call this a tragedy, or at least a bit of a problem, but since the art of cuisine is to make something out of nothing and charge a lot of money for doing it, the chefs got cracking and produced such a range of delicacies that now old boots fetch quite a high price in the city and rare, sun-dried muds are imported from foreign parts.

This recipe has been adjusted to give the look but, I hope, not the taste.

SERVE S 3-4

350f topside of beef thinly sliced 3—4 tablejpoons dark soy sauce 500f mushrooms, very finely chopped 300ml dark ale or stout

2 cloves garlic, crushed 2—3 teaspoons chopped dill 470ml beef stock salt and pepper

MARINATE THE BEEF in the soy sauce for 2-3 hours. Preheat the oven to 19O°C/Gas 5-6. Put the beef in a casserole dish with the mushrooms and add the ale. Add the garlic and dill and enough stock to cover. Season to taste. Cover and cook in the oven for 1 12 hours. Remove the lid and cook for a further 20-30 minutes to allow the 'mud' to reduce a little.

1Vote: The classic accompaniment, according to the Ankh-Morpork beggar, man about town and street gastrognome Arnold Sideways, is a rusty tin half filled with paint thinner. I would suggest something else. Practically anything else, really. T

* See Hoffatber.

Sergeant Angua s Vegetable Stew

with Dumplings

It's obviously very difficult for a werewolf livin' in a big city where you can't get what you're used to at home, such as people. In fact Sergeant Angua of the City Watch assures me she's never ate very much of anyone, and none of us can help the way we was brought up in any case. Of course, it's even harder if you're a vegetarian werewolf, because while that's okay by the human side there's no way you are going to persuade the wolf side to hunt down lentils. Cleaning your teeth in the morning can't be much fun when you've turned back into a human again, either. A vegetarian werewolf is always looking for something different, and this is worth stay in' human for:

SERVES 4

1 tablespoon olive oil 450g leeks, sliced

1 green pepper, seeded and chopped

2 carrots, diced

3 cloves garlic, chopped 300g mushrooms, sliced

300ml vegetable stock

1 400g can chopped tomatoes

1 tablespoon paprika

1 400g can mixed beans

1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar

salt and pepper

FOR THE DUMP I-11ST OS

125g self-raising flour /; tablespoon mixed herbs 50g vegetable suet

4—5 tablespoons water salt and pepper

HEAT THE OIL in a large frying pan and cook the leeks, green pepper, carrot and garlic for a few minutes. Add the mushrooms and cook for another few minutes. Add the vegetable

stock, the tomatoes and the paprika. Bring to the boil and then simmer for 15-20 minutes.

Meanwhile, make the dumplings: mix together all the ingredients and then divide the mixture into a dozen pieces, shaping each into a ball.

Add the beans and the balsamic vinegar to the stew, and season. Place the dumplings on the surface, cover and simmer for 20-25 minutes. Good at any phase of the moon.

Mrs Gogol's Clairvoyant Gumbo

Gumbo is one of those dishes, like stew, where it's ridiculous to have a recipe. You just make it. And you can prob'ly make gumbo of a sort by simply dredging a swamp and boilin' up everything that tries to climb out of the net. But it won't be anything like Mrs Gogol's gumbo. Mrs Gogol* is a witch over in the swamps around Genua, where the magic's more into stickin' pins in people and turnin' people into zombies, and there's prob'ly some magic in the cookery, too.

Mrs Gogol says she can see the future in her gumbo. You need the knack. But the future you'll see in this one contains a good dinner at least.

SERVES 6

3 tablespoons olive oil 3 heaped tablespoons flour

(for the roux) 2 large (or 3 small) celery stalks,

trimmed and finely chopped I small green pepper, seeded

and chopped

* See Wttcbes Abroad.

1 small red onion, chopped 2—3 heaped tablespoons Genuan

spice mix (see page 53) 470ml fish stock (or chicken, or veg) 400g tin chopped tomatoes 10—12 pieces okra, chopped

1 tablespoon dried basil

1 tablespoon dried oregano

1 tablespoon dned parsley

salt

8—10 drops hot pepper sauce

I₂ tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

100ml bourbon (or whisky mil do) meat from 1 large prepared crab

(or 4 small whole ones) 600g ready-peeled prawns (or 65 Og

in shells)

HEAT THE OIL in a saucepan and stir in the flour. Cook for about 5 minutes (medium heat), stirring, until it turns golden brown. Add the celery, pepper and onion and fry until softened. Add the Genuan spice mix and stir for another minute. Pour in the stock, stir well to ensure there are no lumps and then add the remaining ingredients except the crab and prawns. Leave to simmer, stirring occasionally, for 20 minutes. Add the crab meat and prawns, turn the heat up and bring to boiling point, then turn back down to medium and cook for a further 8-10 minutes (10-15 minutes if using crabs/prawns in shells). Serve with rice.

Note: The Genuan spice mix and hot pepper sauce will make a hot gumbo. Use less if you're not used to spicy food.

Сосиски в булочках  от С.Р.Б.Н. Достабля.

Любой визит в Анк-Морпорк можно считать неполноценным, если вы не узнали   вкус знаменитых пирожков Господина Себя-Режу-Без-Ножа Достабля, или иначе «сосиски в булочке».  После этого визит иногда заканчивается очень и очень поспешно. Удивительно, что, несмотря на это, люди   возвращаются и пробуют их снова. Вероятно, хотят убедиться, что память их не обманывает.

Господин Достабль щедро пожертвовал нам этот рецепт.

Приблизительно на 30 сосисок.

1,4 кг. Фарша из высококачественной свинины*

450 гр. Панировочных сухарей

½ ч. ложки мускатного ореха

1 ч. ложка черного перца

3 ст. ложки порезанного свежего шалфея

вода

сосисочная оболочка

булочки на ваш выбор

Смешайте все ингредиенты для сосисок в миске. Добавьте воды, чтобы получить хорошую мягкую структуру и наполняйте смесью сосисочную оболочку, разделяя сосиски узелками. Обжарить сосиски на сковороде или в гриле, подавать горячими вместе со свежими булочками.

*Замечание от Господина Достабля: Я всегда использую высококачественную свинину, 2/3 - постного мяса и 1/3 – жира. Я настаиваю, чтобы шкура, хрящи или любые другие сомнительные части животного не использовались в фарше. **

**Именно это он говорит, и, например, я ему доверяю.  Смотреть на его сосиски и говорить: «Гав, гав!» или «Иго-го!» -  свидетельство  вашего плохого воспитания.

Nanny Oggs Special Nibbles

with Special Party Dip, Made Specially

They don't have parties like they had when I was young . . . you know, with jelly and ice cream and you were sick with excitement before you got home.

I've been told I shouldn't put too many suggestive recipes in this book, although to my mind things are only suggestive if you're open to suggestions (for example, my friend Esmerelda Weatherwax thought the maypole was just a nice country custom until someone explained symbolism to her, and I just don't want to be there if anyone tells her about broomsticks). Anyway, tomatoes is considered aphrodisiacal, and my grandson Shane who is a sailor and has seen a thing or two says so is a bananana. Surprisin'ly enough, it gives a nice flavour to the dip.

FOR THE DIP

1 small onion

1 firm, just-ripe bananana

1 small cucumber (or half a

large one) 1 400g can love apples

(chopped tomatoes)

1 tablespoon chopped fresh coriander

2 teaspoons chopped fresh chilli or chilli powder

3 cloves garhc, crushed • salt and lemon juice, to taste

FOR THE NIBBLES

3 pitta breads

1 tablespoon Genuan spice mix (see opposite)

olive otl

TO MAKE THE dip: finely chop the onion, bananana and cucumber and mix with the remaining ingredients. Chill for at least an hour.

To make the nibbles: preheat the oven to 180°C/Gas 4. Mix the spice mix with enough oil to make a runny paste. Slit the pitta breads in half lengthways to form two thin pieces and cut (scissors are best) into a variety of interesting and appealing shapes. Place on a baking tray (do not overlap them) and brush lightly with the oil/spice mix. Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until golden brown and crispy.

Genuan Spice Mix

1 tablespoon hot paprika 1 tablespoon onion powder 1 tablespoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon chilli powder

I₂ tablespoon salt

2 teaspoons dried mixed herbs

Mix all the ingredients together and store in an airtight container. The adventurous can also try this mix on banged grains.

Leonard of Qutrm s Recipe for a Cheese Sandwich

(Contributed by that remarkable if somewhat absent-minded genius)

Decide that shape of common loaf is not suitable for the purpose. Design new baking tin. Devise a new method of soldering tin. Design more efficient oven.

Doodle in margins a war engine for overcoming all obstacles and firing gouts of unquenchable fire on to enemy soldiers.

Design a new type of harrow. Convert war engine into a device for hauling ploughs and other agricultural implements over any kind of terrain no matter how rough. Since its traction is its key feature, decide to call it a Machine for Pulling Heavy Loads.

Convert old design for an improved fighting machine into a better flail. In the margin draw a small picture of a hand.

Design breadknife. Design machine for making breadknives. Design an improved wheel bearing, using small balls of, e.g., steel. Design shot tower for making steel balls of any size. Devise a small hand-cranked machine by which bread of any size and thickness can be smoothly buttered to any depth.

Consider designs of milk churns, and improve them. Hear that temperature regulation in dairies is vitally important in the manufacture of good cheese; design a device for regulating temperature by means of expanding metal strips, coupled to pulleys. Call it the Device for Regulating Temperature by Means of Metal Strips (Coupled to Pulleys).

Design instrument for waging war over a great distance by focusing the rays of the sun, and then adapt this to the oven design. Adapt inexplicably non-working machine for flying and turn into a novel device for churning butter by means of a wind-

mill. With a small adapter this can, in times of war, easily become a device for hurling balls of burning butter for up to half a mile. Design a device by which the moon can be reached, powered by

eggs.

Send out for pizza.

Clooty Dumplings

I've always been famous for my dumplings. Ask anyone. But the days of the giant, family-sized dumpling boiled up in a 'clooty' or 'motheaten old vest' seem to have passed. People just don't seem to have time to spend in sitting very still to digest their food any more, they want to be up and walking around within a few hours of lunch. So these belong to a different age, and recreating them is like bringing a dinosaur back to life. But they're much better than you might think; making a good dumpling is a mark of a skilled cook. You'll find that out if ever you have to eat one made by a bad cook.

These have been adjusted a little to take account of the modern taste for finicky food. Serve with Slumpie (page 37).

MAKES 4 LARGE ONES

lOOg wholemeal flour

50g chopped suet

1 heaped teaspoon wholegrain mustard

salt and pepper

3—4 tablespoons water

large pan of stock (vegetable, beef,

chicken — whatever suits

your guests)

MIX THE FLOUR and suet, making sure there are no lumps. Add the mustard and a little salt and pepper and mix well. Add just enough water to make a stiff paste. Break into four equal pieces and roll into balls.

Bring the stock to the boil. Carefully drop in the dumplings and simmer for 10-15 minutes. They should slide off a knife pushed through their centres when done. If the knife bends, you have done something wrong.

Clammen Beefyrmte Spread

My grandson Shane came across Clammers Beefymite Spread in a shop in Ankh-Morpork and got a bit partial to it. I wrote to that Mr Clammer, y'know, as one cook to another, offering to swap the recipe for my special version of Strawberry Wobbler for his beefymite, but he wasn't having none of it. So I've had to produce my own, which Shane likes just as much and it's a) a lot cheaper than havin' it shipped all the way from Ankh-Morpork, b) nothing like the real thing, c) completely different and d) tasty.

340g corned beef

2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce

3 tablespoons mushroom ketchup

/j—/2 level teaspoon cayenne pepper /—5 drops gravy browning (optional)

MIX THE INGREDIENTS to a smooth paste in a blender - or use a potato masher or fork. Transfer to clean jamjars or other scalable containers. Best eaten within 3-4 days. Store in the fridge.

Соус Ухты-Ухты.

Примечание от редакторов: Мы не приносим никаких извинений за включение этого рецепта, что доказывает его огромную  популярность.

Рецепт соуса Ухты-Ухты – это  фамильное достояние семьи Чудакулли. Аркканцлер Чудакули, подобно большинству волшебников, является заядлым приправщиком; если Вы человек, который кладет мясную котлету между двумя половиками булки, затем кладет сверху сыр,  пикули, немного зеленого соуса, чуть-чуть красного соуса и особый сорт маринованных огурчиков, а затем острой горчицы, не забыв,  конечно,  добавить сладкой горчицы, и обязательно посыпав нарезанной зеленью и другими травами, до того момента, когда мясо незаметно выскальзывает и падает на пол, то у Вас, несомненно есть магические наклонности. Волшебник обязательно оближет горлышко бутылки с соусом, если   думает, что его никто не видит.

            Это, конечно, не подлинный  рецепт соуса Ухты-Ухты, который можно  изготавливать только при тщательном соблюдении правил и контроле всех внешних факторов и, в лучшем случае, в итоге он просто взорвется. Даже простое потряхивание бутылки вызывает катастрофу, и только глупец рискнул бы закурить послеобеденную сигару,  если соус Ухты-Ухты   на столе. Когда бутылка соуса Ухты-Ухты пятилетней выдержки была найдена в кладовой Незримого Университета, целое крыло было эвакуировано на два дня, до тех пор, пока соус не был испытан на контрольном обеде.

Масло, кусок величиной приблизительно  с яйцо

1 ст. ложка муки

300 мл. мясного бульона

1 ч. ложка Английской горчицы

1 дес. ложка белого  винного уксуса

1 ст. ложка портвейна

1 ст. ложка грибного концентрата*

соль и черный перец

1 с горкой ст. ложка петрушки сухой заморозки

4 маринованных грецких ореха, мелко нарезанных

*Вам нужно будет сделать грибной концентрат заранее (см. рецепт ниже). Если  у Вас нет времени, Вустерширский соус может заменить концентрат и портвейн, но часть утонченного  вкуса может быть потеряна.

Растопите масло в кастрюле, перемешайте с мукой и добавьте полученную смесь в мясной бульон. Поставьте на средний огонь и постоянно помешивайте до получения однородного, густого соуса.  Добавьте горчицу, винный уксус, портвейн и грибной концентрат, приправьте солью и перцем, держите  на огне еще приблизительно 10 минут. Засыпать петрушку, грецкие орехи и перемешать, подавать на стол в горячем виде.

            Соус, добавленный к ростбифу, заставит забыть о неприятностях и направит Вас в жизнерадостное русло.

Грибной концентрат

6 больших грибов (шляпки)

соль

Положить грибы  в кастрюлю и обсыпать солью. Оставить приблизительно на 3 часа, а затем растолочь в пюре. Закрыть кастрюлю и оставить на ночь. На следующий день отжать жидкость из кастрюли (использование сита для отжима позволит извлечь большее количество жидкости). Кипятить, постоянно помешивая, пока объем жидкости не уменьшиться примерно в половину. Должна получиться столовая ложка грибного концентрата для Вашего соуса.

Knuckle Sandwich

It's amazin' what people will eat. No one who was hungry would want to eat a plate of winkles - you could die before you worked out how to twiddle the pin properly. And when you think of all the good bits there are to eat on a pig, the feet wouldn't probably be in the first ten. But when Ankh-Morpork people are far from home, there are things - like falling into an open sewer, or being eaten by cockroaches - that make them think of home. A proper knuckle sandwich is one of them, too. It's poor man's food, 'cos the rich man has eaten the rest of the pig. And the motto is: always wangle a dinner invitation from the rich man.

MAKES 2 SANDWICHES

2pig's trotters 1 bouquet garni 1 tablespoon mustard seeds butter or olive oil (or garlic butter/garlic olive oil)

pain rustique * or other crusty rolls fresh cress or thinly sliced cucumber

PLACE THE TROTTERS in a pan with the bouquet garni and the mustard seeds. Cover with water and bring to the boil. Simmer until the meat is tender (35-45 minutes, depending on size). Remove from the pan and shake off any excess water. To make the sandwiches, remove the meat from the bone, brush lightly with the butter or oil and grill until golden brown and crispy. Arrange neatly in a split pain rustique with a little fresh cress or wafer-thin sliced cucumber.

*Er . ... just bread. It means 'painfully rustic', or stone-ground flour with the rocks left in.

Seldom Bucket's Favourite Snack

Mr Seldom Bucket, one of Ankh-Morpork's leading businessmen and a power to be reckoned with in the dairy products industry,* reckons that there is nothing that cannot be improved by a bit of cheese, and he made sure that his wife, who I can't help feelin' a bit sorry for, sent me a big pile of fun-with-cheese recipes. I have to agree that cheese trifle and cheese toffee are very novel indeed, but I reckon we'd all be happy with cheese on toast. It's one of those dishes you can't beat, when it comes to things made out of cheese and toast.

SERVE S 2

4 slices wholemeal bread

2 slices boiled bam (or 2 large

sausages, cooked and sliced in

half lengthways)

2 slices farmhouse Cheddar cheese butter for spreading and frying wholegrain mustard (optional)

THE SAUCE

2 eggs, beaten

40? Emmental cheese, prated

O ' O

knob of butter softened salt and pepper

MAKE TWO SANDWICHES using the bread, ham and cheese, and mustard if you want it. Heat a little butter in a frying pan and fry the sandwiches, turning until both sides are crisp and golden brown. Put the sandwiches on separate plates.

For the sauce, beat together in a pan the eggs, grated cheese, softened butter, and salt and pepper. Heat gently, whisking continuously (to stop the eggs curdling). Once the mixture is warmed through and runny, pour it in even quantities over the sandwiches. Serve immediately.

* See Maskemde for more on this self-made man who is proud of his handiwork.

Nobby s Mum s Distressed Pudding

I takes off my hat to Mrs Maisie Nobbs of Old Cobblers, Ankh-Morpork, who is the mother of the famous or at any rate notorious Cpl Nobby Nobbs of the City Watch. It's a lot harder to be a good cook in a big industrial city, because in the country there's usually more stuff available - as we say, you can bake it, fry it or boil it, but for choice you poach it. In the city, what you eat is mainly sugar, starch or stale. Mrs Nobbs is a mistress of all those dishes that make you think of fog and coal smoke -like Wet Nellies, Tuppenny Uprights, Treacle Billy, Jammy Devils and Distressed Pudding. They fill you up and keep the cold out. That's what they're made for. You've got to be posh to worry about healthy eatin'.

4 slices white bread, crusts cut off 20 stewed prunes, stoned 1 tablespoon black treacle mixed 425g rice pudding with 2 tablespoons golden syrup

PREHEAT THE OVEN to 180°C/Gas 4. Grease a deep pie dish (roughly 20crn x 12crn). Place two slices of bread in the bottom of the dish and drizzle over a little of the treacle/syrup mix. Spoon over half the rice pudding and top with half the prunes. Repeat the process with the remaining bread, rice pudding and prunes, and top with another drizzle of treacle/syrup. Bake in the top of the oven for 30 minutes or until golden brown. Once tasted, fondly remembered.

Strawberry Wobbler

How can I put this? It's pink and it wobbles. A lot of laughs at parties. You could try serving it in a bowl, but everyone will know you're not doin' it right.

MAKES 4-6 WOBBLERS

(depending on the size of your flutes)

2—3 sachets gelatine (or veggie

equivalent) 300ml boiling water 250g strawberries 150ml extra-thick double cream

2 tablespoons caster sugar

(or to taste)

strawberry ice cream, for serving 4 large champagne flutes

Editor's Note: This dish is much easier with a blender! And we've settled for the champagne flutes because the containers apparently preferred by Mrs Ogg are ... well, unavailable. Well, you don't see them in the shops. Well, not the shops on the High Street, certainly . . . Not our High Street, anyway.

DISSOLVE THE GELATINE in the water following the instructions on the packet and leave to cool for 10-15 minutes.

Meanwhile, rinse and 'top' the strawberries, chop in half and place in a large bowl/blender. Add most of the cream - keep a little aside for decoration - and the sugar. If using a blender, whizz it all up to a milkshake consistency. Otherwise, use a potato masher and mash until smooth.

When the gelatine has cooled, mix thoroughly with the strawberry mixture and pour into the champagne flutes. Chill for two hours (or until set).

Gently ease the wobblers out of the glasses (using a palette knife or similar) onto a plate, and serve upended with a couple of scoops of ice cream, placed according to preference, and a drizzle of cream.

Bloody Stupid Johnson} Individual Fruit Pie

(Quoted from The Edible Architecture of Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, by

Startup Nodder, FAMG, AitD, Ankh-Morpork Guild of Architects

Press, $10 plus 3 site visits at $20 an hour)

People now recall Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, or 'Bloody Stupid Johnson' as he was known far and wide, as merely an architect and landscape designer with an unfortunate blind spot in matters of size and a general lack of grasp of the basic principles of, not to put too fine a point on it, anything at all. In his way, and a very strange and confused way it was, he was a genius. Only someone with a very special cast of mind would have specified quicksand as a building material (the Collapsed Tower of Quirm) 'because it's got to be done in a hurry' or accidentally built an entire house upside down (No. 1 Scoone Avenue, Ankh-Morpork - the cellars, the only part above ground, are still in use).

In the words of Sir Joshua Ramkin: 'Having anything designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson is like a box of chocolates - you always get that horrible strawberry one which someone else has already sucked and put back in.'

Never were his peculiar talents more apparent than in his occasional essays in cookery. Few survivors now recall these, but in most cases the wreckage is there for everyone to see. For example, the top tier of a wedding cake designed for a friend was until fairly recently used as a bandstand in the Apothecary Gardens, and was a monument not only to Johnson's mercurial attitude to dimensions but also to his unique skill in achieving with icing sugar a hardness not often found in cement.

Unfortunately, nothing now remains of the Great Fruit Pie except some etchings made at the time, a rough copy of the original recipe and a few scars on buildings quite a long way from the site. Records tell of

the teams of oxen needed to drag the enormous dish into position, the bargeloads of apples brought down the River Ankh for the filling, the catastrophe of the sinking of the Queen of Quirm with her full load of sugar. There are rather more accounts of the explosion that occurred on the second Friday of the cooking process, which caused red-hot short-crust pastry to scythe across a large part of Ankh-Morpork and accounted for the occasional shower of sultanas and deep-frozen baked apple for some days afterwards.

Many of the more experienced workers were altogether too close when it blew, but the recipe is believed to have been as follows:

SERVES: YOU RIGHT

30,000 lb plain flour 30,000 teaspoons salt 15,000 Ib butter I margarine cold water

30 tons cooking apples,

peeled and sliced 1,000 Ib sultanas 10,000 Ib sugar 1 clove

MAKE THE PASTRY by sifting the flour and salt into a container, then rub in the butter or margarine until the mixture forms 'breadcrumbs'. Then add enough cold water to make it all into a stiff dough. Roll* out the pastry on a floured surfacef and use half to line the cooking container:}:.

Peel, core and slice the apples§ and combine with the sultanas. Place half in the container. Add the sugar and the clove. Add the

*Some well-washed garden rollers were used here, after the specially designed self-propelled rolling pin demolished several houses. fEdgeway Street was scrubbed and floured.

:j:A disk was cast for this purpose, which now forms the roof of a house in Mollymog Street. §Mr Johnson had designed a machine for doing this, but after it stapled one of the foremen to a wall the job was subsequently done by three shifts of men working around the clock.

rest of the apples, and winch the remaining pastry into place over the top.

The cooking time is unknown, except that it was very clearly far too long.

PS: It is believed that Johnson was vaguely aware of what every cook

knows, which is that when baking a big pie some provision must be made

to allow the venting of the steam generated. Certainly he had drawn up

plans for a 30-foot-high 'whistling blackbird',

but this was not, however, cast until a

week after the explosion, owing to

what would have had to be called

bad project management if in

fact there had been any

project management at all.

It is displayed in

Hide Park, as a

memorial to those

caught in the crust.

Nanny Ogg's Perfectly Innocent Porridge

with Completely Inoffensive Honey Mixture Which Shouldn't Make Anyone's Wife Laugh

. . . 'cos they made me take out a couple of what you might call the more active ingredients. And this was the recipe that got my book The Joye of snacks talked about, too. People always said my porridge with honey mixture got the day off to a good start. Some people even had it for supper. I mean, this version is all very well, quite nice really, pretty good, in fact, but it's not the whole nine . . . the full mon . . . the real mac Feegle, if you see what I mean. People say the real thing was a rampant aphrodisiac, but I say there's not enough love in the world.

My gentleman friend Casanunda always said my porridge was worth waking up to, although I can't say he was a person who needed much porridge. Keeping it away from him was the difficult bit.

SERVES 3-4

600ml water 6Qg rolled oats

cream, to taste

Honey Mixture (see page 72)

BRING THE WATER to the boil in a largish pan. Sprinkle in the oats, stirring all the time. Continue to boil and stir for 5 minutes. Swirl in cream and honey mixture to taste.

Mr Albert Malich, inventor and sole eater of fried porridge.

Note: The honey mixture may also be used in a hot toddy, spooned over ice cream, sorbet or the person of your choice.

Honey Mixture

1 small jar clear honey (approx. 113gj fingernail-sized piece of gold leaf

3—4 clean rose petals, finely chopped (the sort used for cake decoration;

a vanilla pod or three drops of you don't have to use this but it

vanilla essence does give it that magical twinkle)

Place the unopened jar of honey in a bowl of hot water for a couple of minutes to warm slightly. Remove and dry the jar. Open it and carefully stir in the remaining ingredients. Leave for at least a couple of hours for the flavours to infuse, and always shake the jar well before use.

Chocolate DeUgbt

with Special Secret Sauce

It has to be said right away that this lacks a couple of ingredients from the original Ogg recipe, because of the unfortunate - if you happen to be in a public restaurant, at least - effects that they can have. For one thing, you will have to pay for the broken crockery. Seekers after forbidden knowledge will have to find a copy of 7"he Joye of Snacks that has not spontaneously combusted. People make a lot of fuss over this sort of thing, I can't think why.*

FOR THE D E L, I G II T

250^ setf-raising flour 60g cornflour 30g cocoa powder 155g caster sugar 155g unsalted butter

150ml double cream 6—7 cardamom pods I₄ teaspoon cinnamon

3 eggs, beaten

90ml milk

125g white choc chips

4—5 tablespoons dark chocolate syrup

FOR THE SAUCE

A teaspoon nutmeg

60g white or milk chocolate

20ml white rum

PREHEAT THE OVEN to 19O°C/Gas 5-6. Mix all the dry ingredients for the delight in a bowl and then rub in the butter. Add the eggs and milk and beat thoroughly. Swirl in the white chocolate chips and syrup, making sure not to overmix (the syrup should give a ripple effect). Divide between two 20cm, deep, well-greased cake tins and bake in the top part of the oven for 30 minutes, or until a skewer comes out clean when testing.

*See Maskerade for reasons why the editors insisted on certain ingredients being removed.

74

Note: This is a cross between a pudding and a cake and should be moist. When baked, allow to cool for 5 minutes and, if not for immediate consumption, transfer to an airtight container . . . hah, what am I saying, you'll scoff the lot.

Start preparing the sauce about 10 minutes before the delight is ready. Warm the cream with the spices, taking care not to boil. Break up the chocolate and stir into the cream. When it has melted, add the rum. Keep stirring for a couple more minutes, then remove the cardamom pods. Serve with the delight fresh from the oven.

Самый не любимый десерт Веренса II короля  Ланкра.

Люди спрашивают меня: « Почему наш король не любит крыжовник   с взбитыми сливками?». Причина   в том,  что после десяти лет в Шутовской Гильдии вы уже ни когда не захотите  смотреть на что-нибудь подобное. Он приличный король во многих отношениях, но, тем не менее, в королевстве взбитые сливки объявлены  вне закона.

                Если вы едите этот десерт в Ланкре, кто-то обязательно должен стоять на стреме, и это не зависимо оттого, что желтый порошок для них  придется тайком ночью переправлять через границу.

            Я люблю время от времени поесть чуточку взбитых сливок, и я  могу сделать их в любое удобное для меня  время.

На 4 порции.

380 гр.  Ягод крыжовника

100 гр. Сахарной пудры

200 мл. Взбитых сливок

В миске на небольшом огне варим крыжовник вместе с сахарной пудрой, приблизительно 15 минут,  до тех пор, пока шкурка не растрескается. Затем снимаем с огня и ждем, пока смесь охладится. Уже охлажденную смесь протираем  через сито  (или перемешайте миксером) до образования пюре.

                Взбиваем   сливки до крепкой пены. Раскладываем фруктовое пюре по отдельный вазочкам и сверху аккуратно выкладываем сливки.

 Держать блюдо в прохладном месте до подачи на стол или до броска в голову ближайшего клоуна в широких  штанах.

Nanny Oggs Maids of Honour

Take your eyes off 'em and they end up as tarts (just my little joke, no offence meant).

MAKES ABOUT 6, DEPENDING OX SIZE OF MOULDS

150g mascarpone cheese j \_ar^_e ^ foaten '

1 tablespoon Comtreau 200g rich shortcrust pastry

1 teaspoon mixed spice IQOg pink marzipan

sugar to taste (1-2 teaspoons) ^ ^ _c^_{emes an}j _cocoa p_ow(j_er

to decorate

PREHEAT THE OVEN to 22O°C/Gas 7. Lightly grease 6 barquette moulds (12cm x 6cm approx). Mix together the mascarpone, Comtreau, mixed spice and sugar, then beat in the egg.

Roll out the pastry to around 0.75cm thickness and line each tin, leaving a little edge on each. Roll out the marzipan as thinly as possible and line the pastry, making sure that you bring the marzipan well up to the top so that it can be seen in the finished tarts.

Spoon the mascarpone mixture into the tins - not quite to the top - and bake the tarts in the top of the oven for around 25 minutes, or until golden brown. Once they are out of the oven, leave for 10 minutes or so, until the filling is set a little, before removing from the tins to cool on a wire rack.

Before serving, sprinkle a little cocoa powder around the edges and place a quarter glace cherry on each.

Gingerbread Men and Women

Рецепт бананов от Библиотекаря

Комментарии относительно видовой принадлежности кого-либо всегда считалось проявлением плохих манер. Так высказывания типа: «О, так ты значит гном», или « Давно ли ты стал троллем?», не помогут растопить лед в отношениях. По этой же причине, лучше подробно не останавливаться на факте, что Библиотекарь Незримого университета – орангутан, а BhangBhangduc – означает «Конечно, не обезьяна».

            Весьма любезно он согласился потратить некоторое время и тщательно просмотрев личное собрание рецептов, представил испытанного фаворита следующим образом:

«Уук».

Иначе, для не обезьян: «Возьмите один банан».

 

Klatchian Dehgbt

There's nothin' like a bit of Klatchian Delight or, failin' that, some sticky sweets. Pers'nally I don't think you can ever make it as good as the real thing. From what I've heard about Klatch they do things there that are a lot more delightful than eatin' sweets, but the name has stuck, just like the sweets.

rice paper (25g packet is ample)

300ml water

50g gelatine (2 sachets) or

veggie alternative 450? caster sugar

o o

I₄ teaspoon lemon juice

// teaspoon pink food colouring A teaspoon lemon flavouring l/ teaspoon rum flavouring (different colours and flavours may be used)

LINE A DEEP baking tray (about 25em x 35em) with a double layer of rice paper. Be careful to leave no gaps or your 'delight' will stick to the tray!

Bring the water to the boil in a large pan, sprinkle in the gelatine and whisk until dissolved (or follow manufacturer's instructions). Add the sugar and lemon juice and stir until dissolved. Carry on boiling and stirring for 20 minutes, lowering the heat if necessary. Remove from the heat and leave to stand without stirring for about 10 minutes. Add the colouring and flavourings and mix.

Using a ladle or large spoon, transfer the liquid into the lined tray (it should be a good centimetre deep). Leave to set in a cool, dry place for 24 hours.

When ready, cut into 6cm x 3cm rectangular pieces and fold those over to form squares so that the rice paper is on the outside. Alternatively, cut into strips and use as fly paper.

Those looking for that genuine 'as sold by Cut-Me-Own-Hand-Off Dblah' look may care to sprinkle with small blackcurrants in lieu of flies. A dusting of icing sugar could be a nice finishing touch, too.

Катализатор Энгельхерта

Он просто незаменим, особенно если прошлой  ночью Вы выпили лишнего. Однако, если вы предпочитаете напитки из обратнолетнего винограда или зерна (которые растут из настоящего в прошлое, так  что Вы испытываете похмелье на день раньше  тяжелой попойки),  то и Катализатор должны пить днем раньше.

            Относительно шипучих таблеток существует интересный факт. Говорят, что у троллей не бывает отрыжки, и если Вы дадите  ему шипучую таблетку, то он взорвется.  И это  действительно случится, и он вмажет Вам действительно очень сильно. Поэтому не надо этого делать.

На 1 порцию

175 мл. малинового питьевого йогурта

175 мл. крем соды

2 таблетки шипучего  витамина  С, с черной смородиной (следуйте инструкции по дозировке)

Смешайте йогурт и крем  соду в большой пивной кружке или в чем-то похожем. Добавьте таблетки, отойдите назад и наблюдайте.  Когда напиток успокоится, выпейте его. Затем возвращайтесь в постель.

Lord Downey's Mint Humbugs

The president of the Ankh-Morpork Guild of Assassins has provided us with this recipe and he is a man who knows his sweets, having been notoriously generous with them on occasion. These, he tells me, 'are to die for'. Or possibly 'of. His writing is a little unclear.

400g sugar

5 table spoons liquid glucose

250m/ water

¹I₂ teaspoon cream of tartar

'I₂ teaspoon peppermint oil

a few drops of green food colouring

oil for greasing

arsenic to taste

A note from the editors: Ah, we think we have spotted a problem with this recipe. Arsenic has been used in times past as a food colouring material (such a lovely green), but we suspect that this is not what Lord Downey has in mind. The Guild of Lawyers would like us to point out that putting arsenic in food can result in health problems, such as death. Do bear in mind the name of the Guild Lord Downey belongs to, and forget the arsenic. Over the years, many tests have found that not putting arsenic in food is the best place for it. Arsenic is not found in a little shaker alongside the salt and pepper. It is not there for a reason. Forget the arsenic.

OIL TWO LARGE plates and set aside for later. Mix the sugar and glucose together in a saucepan. Add the water and stir together over a gentle heat until the sugar has dissolved, not adding arsenic at any point. Add the cream of tartar, bring to the boil and continue to boil until the sugar reaches 14O°C (use a sugar thermometer). You can test it by dropping a few drops into a bowl of iced water; the mixture should become brittle.

Remove the pan from the heat and add the peppermint oil.

Divide the mixture between the two oiled plates (it will be very hot). Using an oiled palette knife add the green food colouring to one half (this is a good time not to add any arsenic), turning it well to distribute the colour evenly. The mixture can now be left until it is cool enough to handle.

Oil your hands, then mould each cooled half separately into a

sausage shape and lengthen this out to a thickish strand. You'll need to work quite quickly before any arsenic is added. Twine the two strands together like a rope and then snip into small pieces with oiled scissors, turning the 'rope' at each cut. When the humbugs are hardened, wrap them individually in waxed or other nonstick food wrap and store in an airtight tin, away from any arsenic.

Spicy Spotted Dick

The editors seemed to be very worried about including this. I don't see why anyone should be. It's a perfectly traditional dish, with a few little tweaks. Spotted dick: a long pudding, or dick, spotted with currants. When you've said that, you've said it all. I mean, if people are going to laugh about something like this we'd never get through a mealtime. I know it was in The Joye of Snacks, but that was just because I happen to like it. Ask anyone.

This is a good solid pudding, for people who wouldn't be seen dead eating a sorbet. A good helping of Spotted Dick is a meal in itself.

S E R V E S 4

90g fresh breadcrumbs 90g self-raising flour 90g shredded suet 60g caster sugar 180g raisins or currants

1 teaspoon grated nutmeg 1 teaspoon cinnamon 4—5 tablespoons milk flour for dusting custard, to serve

MIX TOGETHER IN a bowl all the ingredients except the milk. Gradually stir in the milk until you achieve a soft dough consistency. Transfer to a floured surface and roll the mixture out into a 'sausage' shape. Wrap it loosely in a greaseproof paper (the mixture will expand while cooking) and then wrap with cooking foil, tightly sealing the edges.

Steam over rapidly boiling water for lV₂-2 hours, checking regularly to make sure your pan doesn't boil dry. When cooked, carefully unwrap your pudding, transfer it to a warmed dish and serve with plenty of custard, some well-worn doubles entendres ^and a few comments like 'Oo-er, missus!'

Traveller's Digestives

A handy portable food introduced from the Counterweight Continent.* The original version is really a human variety of dwarf bread (see page 95), i.e., it keeps you alive but makes you wish you were dead and it keeps really well because no one really wants to eat it. I've prettied it up a bit to make it appealin' to people who aren't on a raft somewhere and haven't already eaten their clothes and the weakest person present.

MAKES ABOUT 15 BISCUITS

1 OOg plain wholemeal flour

lOOg porridge oats

lOOg ground almonds

1 heaped teaspoon sugar

I₂ teaspoon bicarbonate of soda

50g melted margarine/butter

1 teaspoon green food colouring (for

that 'authentic' been-left-in-the-

depths-of-a -suitcase look) 4—5 tablespoons water

PREHEAT THE OVEN to 200°C/Gas 6. Mix all the dry ingredients together thoroughly in a bowl. Add the margarine/ butter and rub in until it is absorbed. Add food colour if desired.

Add the water, a spoonful at a time, until you get a marzipan-like consistency. Roll out on a floured surface until 0.5cm thick and cut into 6cm rounds. Place on a greased tray and bake at the top of the oven for 20-25 minutes or until golden green.

'See The Colour of Magic.

Липкие Чертики.

Этот рецепт подарен Госпожой Мэйси Ноббс, и служит прекрасным примером  Анк-Морпоркской утонченной пикантности, сладкий и недорогой. Подходящая вещь для легкой закуски посреди ночной смены.

На 15 штук

100 гр.  не соленого масла

75 гр. сахарной пудры

1 взбитое яйцо

200 гр. муки

3-4 большие ст. ложки джема

Предварительно разогреть духовку до  180 гр. Цельсия.  Смазать  маслом формочки для выпечки.

            Взбить вместе масло и сахар, добавить яйцо.  Постепенно помешивая, добавьте муку до образования мягкого теста. Добавить в тесто полную ст. ложку  джема и тщательно перемешать.

                Полную десертную ложку смеси для чертиков положить в каждую формочку для кексов. В центр каждого чертика аккуратно кладете немного  джема,  приблизительно  в  половину чайной ложки.

            Выпекать в верхней части духовки  25 – 30 минут, или до образования золотисто- коричневой корочки.

Пилюли из сушеных лягушек.

Цитируя Казначея Незримого университета: « Ложка! Дайте ростер!  Я не могу схватить Вас, сэр, действительно не могу, меня кто-то держит или я не Траклибед! Я буду пару ломтиков, если можно!»

            Экстраполировав это, Аркканцлер Незримого университета доктор Наверн Чудакулли сообщил нам: « Вскоре, после того как меня выбрали  Аркканцлером  Университета, мне  стало ясно, что Казначей безумен как гусь, я испробовал все возможные способы, что бы подбодрить его (посредством практических шуток и тому подобного), но ничего не сработало. Тогда молодой Думмнингс Тупс, наш волшебник, у которого весьма современное мышление, натолкнулся на некое старинное исследование, которое предполагало, что кожа некоторых видов лягушек вызывает галлюцинации, и он рассудил, что если было бы возможно выделить активный компонент и немного его модифицировать то, возможно, сильные галлюцинации вернули бы казначея во вменяемое состояние. Очень похвальное изобретение. Кажется, это действует, и если наш дорогой Казначей не забывает принимать пилюли, то вполне соответствует университетским стандартам вменяемости.

Примечание редакторов: Мы исключили лягушек – как основной ингредиент рецепта, потому, что его применение привело бы к:

А) жестокости к лягушкам;

Б) вспышкам смертельной вменяемости среди читателей.

0  лягушек

1  белок небольшого яйца

30 г. сахарной пудры

1  чайная ложка с горкой, корицы

1 чайная ложка рома

1 чайная ложка пищевого красителя

 

ТЩАТЕЛЬНО НЕ БЕРЕТЕ никаких лягушек и не сушите их. Взбиваете яичный белок в густую пену, постепенно добавляя часть сахарной пудры. Потом добавляете просеянную корицу, ром и пищевой краситель, все тщательно перемешиваете. Высыпаете оставшийся сахар и мешать до тех пор, пока смесь не перестанет приставать к пальцам. На противень промасленной бумагой, и на нее уложить сделанные из приготовленной смеси  шарики размером не больше горошины, и оставить их сушиться на  8 часов.

            Принимать всякий раз, когда реальность подбирается слишком близко, или когда начинаете слышать голоса.

Pteppic's Djelibeybis

It's a funny thing, language. There's a country on the river Djel, which flows into the Circle Sea, called 'Child of the Djel' and, fancy, it sounds just like our word for 'rubbery sweets in the shapes of small children'. But then, in Uberwald the city of 'Ankh-Morpork' sounds just like their words for a ladies' undergarment, which is just as well because one of their main cities is pronounced Bonk.

Oddly enough, jelly babies are now very popular in Djelibeybi, having been introduced by a former king, who was educated in Ankh-Morpork and enjoyed a joke. They're considered to be very good for fertility, but once again I haven't been allowed to include the special ingredient, worse luck.

175^ stoned dates, finely chopped

1—3 tablespoons water

1 teaspoon cinnamon

/2 teaspoon ground cardamom

60g walnuts, finely chopped 4 tablespoons clear honey, warmed ground almonds for rolling

BLEND THE DATES with a little water to make a paste. Pteppic's servants would use a pestle and mortar; you could use a wooden spoon and bowl if you want to do it the hard way, or a food blender if you're rich and lazy. Stir in the spices and then mix in the chopped walnuts. Shape the mixture into little bite-size balls, or into authentic 'Djelibeybis', brush them with a little of the warmed honey and then roll them in a plate of the ground almonds to cover. Alternatively, put some ground almonds into a bag and then shake the Djelibeybis gently in the bag to coat them.

Figgins

oo

No one ever seems to know what a Figgin is or if they want theirs toasted, but one meaning of the word is the handy snack described below. To my mind, all the ingredients are optional except the brandy (most of which vanishes in the cooking, but if you want to pay to have a drunk oven, that's fine by Yrs Truly).

MAKES APPROXIMATELY 18

(making it in two separate batches is easier in a small kitchen)

155g ready'-to-eat figs 155g stoned dates 85s currants

o

7—8 tablespoons brandy

1 heaped teaspoon mixed spice 750g shortcrust pastry a little melted butter, milk and brown sugar for sealing and glazing the pastry

CHOP THE FIGS and dates finely and mix the fruit, brandy and spice together in a bowl. Cover and leave overnight in a cool, dark place.

Next day, preheat the oven to 200°C/Gas 6-7. Roll out half the pastry into a 25cm square. Cut into nine equal squares and spread a little melted butter along two sides of each. Spoon about one large teaspoon of the filling onto each square, fold along the diagonal to form a triangle and press firmly along the buttered edges to seal. Repeat with the remaining pastry and filling. Brush each with a little milk and sprinkle with brown sugar. Gently pierce each with a fork, place them carefully on a greased baking tray and bake for 20 minutes, or until golden brown.

 

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