Как только    становиться достаточно еды - вы изобретаете этикет. Люди спрашивают  у меня: что такое этикет? Это то, чем должны пользоваться люди, у которых нет хороших манер.

            Будучи счастливым обладателем врожденного умения вести себя, я чувствую себя в любой компании как дома, но для многих людей это большая загадка и им нужен гид. Потом люди говорят: Ха, но разве это не способ не выглядеть глупо, если ты не знаешь местных обычаев? На  что я отвечаю: Ха, но, по меньшей  мере, существуют правила, и они все записаны, дабы любой мог ими воспользоваться.  Все, что требуется – это немного их подучить.

            Например, то  же можно сказать  о фраке. Возможно, в нем вы будете    немного похожи на пингвина, но, ведь и все остальные будут походить на пингвинов. Демократичность  -   основа вашего  вечернего платья. Стоит его надеть, и  пропадают различия между клерком и королем. Ну, будут, конечно, некоторые незначительные отличия. Так, например,  королевский фрак всегда хорошо подогнан,  в то время как фрак клерка еще на той неделе уже был затаскан тремя  другими людьми. Но, в конечном счете,  суть идеи от  этого не меняется.

            Если вам необходимо узнать  превосходит ли адмирал фельдмаршала, вы сможете, это  увидеть, но требуется особое знание специфического этикета диких  городских районов и ряда других слоев общества:

 

Людей, которые  способны заставить другого человека съесть свои собственные уши.

Людей, которые могут выпить три пинты пива за семь секунд.

Людей, которые могут пропукать Национальный гимн в сопровождении собственного же свиста.

Людей, которые могут открыть пивную бутылку своими зубами.

Людей, которые могут открыть пивную бутылку чужими зубами.

Людей, известных тем, что  убили девять человек (это не считая троллей).

 

            И не забудьте, что в результате совершенной ошибки  кто-нибудь может быть смертельно оскорблен. Кто-нибудь будет оскорблен  смертельно.

            Я знаю места на холмах, где  жители придут в крайнее  возбуждение, если вы  поставите вертел в не ту часть очага или  вытрете подбородок не тем рукавом, и они относятся к тем людям, что  ударят вас по лицу, а затем, пока вы будете искать свои зубы, пнут  вас в зад. По сравнению с этим любой бы предпочел насмехаться  над герцогиней. Что произойдет,  если вы усядетесь не на то место или  случайно попробуете не тот напиток… ну, давайте не будем думать об этом, лучше поговорим о том, что вы должны заметить летящие в вас полкружки пива действительно очень быстро. В то время как использование неправильной вилки  на шикарном обеде, самое худшее, приведет к тому, что вас больше не пригласят. Вам даже не сломают пальцы.

Этикет при общении с ведьмами

Это действительно совершенная правда. Ведьмы очень удачливы, людям известны главным образом везучие ведьмы. Если вы встретили невысокую коренастую ведьму – это большая удача, непременно предложите ей  стаканчик.

            Если случилось так, что  вы что-то печете, и к вам заглянула ведьма, чье призвание весьма  таинственно (и она  знает, что вполне может помешать подняться вашему тесту), так    дайте ей немного лепешек, одну-две  булочки или, может быть, целый пирог, и она уйдет.

            Если вы хотите, чтобы   ваша корова  всегда давала хорошие удои, будет весьма полезно регулярно посылать местной ведьме немного молока. Удивительно, но корове  это совсем не повредит.

            Если вы варите пиво, то доброе пиво будет хорошо храниться, если  кувшин или два отправить  местной ведьме. Она будет слишком вежлива, чтобы отказаться.

            Остерегайтесь неприятностей, вызванных тем, что вы выбросили  старую одежду, которая может быть  использована  потусторонними силами для злого воздействия на вас.  Передайте все в распоряжение местной ведьмы, особенно если есть какая-нибудь славная тесьма или несильно поношенное тонкое полотно - оставьте это ей (вы не поверите, какие ужасные несчастья потусторонние силы могут насылать с помощью  этого материала, просто поразительно). 

В Ночь Всех Пустых   качество ваших  бекона и ветчины станет гораздо лучше, если послать умеренную долю местной ведьме. Она примет это скромное подношение.

Ведьмы всегда полезны (если подойти к ним должным образом) и они никогда не просят ничего в оплату. Кстати, всегда  помните, что у настоящей ведьмы завсегда с собой авоська,  и любая вещь, которую вы попросите  ее взять, не окажется  слишком большой.

Этикет при общении с Матушкой Ветровоск.

 

Эсмеральда Ветровоск – нетипичная  ведьма, она лучшая в профессии, и поэтому требует отдельного раздела. Это не грозит мне неприятностями, потому что она не читает книги. Они ее раздражают.

Конечно, как и все ведьмы, она с удовольствием примет  старую одежду, которая может стать прибежищем злых духов, а также любые сливки, масло, пироги и пряники, которые в противном случае могут привлечь внимание потусторонних сил. День выпечки – как раз то самое время, кода неугомонные духи собираются вокруг, чтобы устраивать потрясающий беспорядок в мире людей, в это время очень кстати быть ведьмой.

Вряд ли можно  считать удачей, когда  Матушка Ветровоск приносит  вам   еду. В жизни люди сами ставят  себя в забавные ситуации, например, Матушка полагает что она довольно хороший повар. Ее бисквиты  вполне приемлемы, но  вряд ли вы    захотите  попробовать ее джем. На самом деле  есть ее джем  довольно трудно, потому что отделить его от ложки   тяжелая работа уже сама  по себе. Причем, достать ложку из банки – это только  половина проблемы.

Фактически   все  волшебное кулинарное искусство прошло мимо нее. Но, говорят, среди жителей Ланкра есть немного гномов, и если это правда, то Эсме вполне может приготовить немного кексов. Ее каменные кексы  чрезвычайно  хороши, особенно если вы собираетесь строить рокарий.

 Когда разговариваете с Матушкой Ветровоск, правильно  выбирайте предмет для беседы: ужасные вещи, что произошли  заграницей (чума,  извержение вулканов, стаи кальмаров), нравы современной молодежи и какой  чай они готовят, несмотря на  вашу привычку к другому сорту. Ни когда не  хвалите в ее присутствии   другую ведьму,  так как выражение ее лица  станет совершено каменным, только один глаз начнет дергаться.

            Фактически, самое лучшее при разговоре с Матушкой Ветровоск – слушать. Она  считает любого, кто может слушать в течение получаса, хорошим собеседником.

 

Этикет при общении с Волшебниками.

 

Всегда разумно обращаться к волшебнику как Ваша Светлость или Ваше Превосходительство, или Ваша Великая  Волшебность, и другими подобными  титулами. Не имеет значения который из них  вы выберете, просто, таким образом вы покажете насколько поражены.

Одобрительно отзовитесь об их одежде, они хорошо это воспримут. Но ни при каких обстоятельствах  не называйте  мантию волшебника «платьем», даже  если она на него похожа.

Когда волшебник принимает посетителей, он ожидает подарка вроде пирога.  Посещая вас с ответным визитом, волшебник  приносит с  собой аппетит.

В отличие от ведьм (которые никогда ничего не просят за услуги) волшебники требуют оплаты.

Ни в коем случае не хватайтесь за посох  волшебника, только если он  сам попросит вас об этом; в настоящее время в мире существует множество изумленных  земноводных и других ползающих тварей, которые могли бы извлечь пользу из этого совета.

Юные амбициозные леди должны иметь в виду, что волшебникам не дозволяется жениться. Я никогда не находила этому разумного объяснения, но, очевидно, брачные мероприятия  некоторым образом  влияют на их волшебную силу.  Может быть, сгибается их магический посох или что-то еще. Поэтому, когда вы приглашаете  волшебника на обед, он приходит один, но ест за двоих.

 

Notes About Other Species

ONCE UPON A time most people in a large town might go through their life without seeing anyone other than humans, but today it is different and dwarfs and trolls, in particular, are familiar figures on our streets. It would take another book, hint hint, to do justice to this subject, but observance of these few helpful points should at least see that you get home without your head caved in and your knees chopped off.

DWARFS

THE IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER ABOUT DWARFS IS THAT

every dwarf you see is 'he'. Yes, I know. Of course, when the chips are down, or whatever, a lot of them are she, but this is a subject dwarfs don't like to talk about. All dwarfs dress alike. They do the same sort of jobs. You have to know a dwarf quite well before you pick up hints. I knew one over at Copperhead who was as nippy a hand with the pick-axe as you'd find, and held his beer like a real dwarf (i.e., got completely ratted on half a pint), and if he hadn't been taken queer near my house with a stomachache which turned out to be young Olaf I'd never have guessed. And I'm good at guessing, you may depend upon it. Dwarfs are very close about these things. Not for nothing was Bashful a traditional dwarf name.

These days things are freein' up a bit and there are dwarfs around with names like Gunilla Glodsdaughter, and things are getting a bit tense in dwarf society as a result. Even so, it's etiquette always to refer to a dwarf as 'he' unless she tells you different. On the whole, those who prefer 'she' tell you within three seconds,

Do not let the fact that every dwarf you see has a long beard

fool you. A forward-thinking young female dwarf might hammer out her breastplate to a more fetchin' shape and look for lingerie that isn't made of leather, or at least is made of a more interest™' leather, but she would never dream of shaving off her beard.

Dwarfs understand that human speech contains words like 'small', 'short' and 'lawn ornament', and mostly don't take offence. However, don't push your luck.

DWARF TABLE MAMJVERS

... DO ACTUALLY EXIST, DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY THINK. THEY'RE JUST

different.

Dwarfs spend a lot of their time in the dark, being polite and quiet, eating moderately (because there is a limit to what you can carry in a mine shaft) and not drinking. This is because a drunkard blundering around in a narrow dark space full of pit props does not make friends easily.

However, this way of life is not a natural way to behave and so, when they get together socially, dwarfs tend to let their beards down.

Humans aren't often invited to share their lives, but you may be invited to a dwarf banquet. Do not wear your best clothes. Something lightweight is advisable, since the heat is usually intense.

Expect to be served meat on the bone, with no cutlery other than a very sharp knife. The correct way to consume your food is to cram as much as possible into your mouth. That's it, really. Meat bones are hurled away from you with force, and it is considered good manners, or at least very amusing, to hit another diner.

Do not look for a vegetarian option.

Beer is the only drink served at dwarf banquets. The correct method of drinking is the 'quaff, whereby the beer is violently propelled towards the mouth from horn or mug held some inches away. Do not worry if you miss, because it is bound to hit someone else, who will be grateful for it.

A proper banquet has only three courses:

1 The bread and meat

2 Carousing

3 Fighting

The carousing is easy, since no one else will remember the words either, and if it comes to that no one really knows what 'carouse' means. It's more or less like the way people behave around an all-night Klatchian take-away after the pubs have shut.

Do not worry about the fighting. At this stage of the evening any human still able to stand up is considered practically an honorary dwarf. However, any woman with her hair in long pigtails would be advised to steer clear of any dwarf with a throwing axe and a beer-soaked belief in his marksmanship.

TROLLS

TROLLS HAVE A REPUTATION FOR VIOLENCE, AND THIS IS BECAUSE THEY

are naturally violent or, I should say, extremely physical. Back in their homelands it is considered good manners to beat another troll over the head with a club when you meet him for the first time. This is the equivalent of saying 'How do you do?'

It is not good manners to extend a hand. In some troll dialects, where body language is a major part of the conversation, this is a very bad remark about his mother.

It is amazing how long it took for humans and trolls to work this out.

Most trolls you are likely to meet understand this now, but if upon meeting a troll you can find it in you to hit him as hard as you can on the chin, you will have a friend for life and also someone to carry you to the nearest bonesetter.

If invited to dine with trolls, you must remember that there is very little that trolls and humans can both eat. Trolls can enjoy some human foods, merely for the flavour, but they can't digest them properly and they don't have much food value for trolls. Thoughtful trolls will provide food suitable for humans. I'd better warn you, though, that trolls have only one word for vegetables and one word for meat. If they've known humans for some time they'll probably recognize that 'oak tree' and 'cabbage' are different, and so are 'cow' and 'frog'. What I'm delicately alludin' to here is that you'll get something organic, and probably heated. After that, you're on your own.

Trolls in the wild generally wear just a loincloth in order to have somewhere to hang knives and similar. In towns they've mostly adapted to wearing clothes of a sort, although this causes a few difficulties because male trolls find the sight of female trolls in large amounts of clothing very . . . interesting. I hear where there are places in Ankh-Morpork where lady trolls do a dance that ends up with them wearin' seven very thick blankets, by which time the gentleman trolls are breaking up the furniture and whistlin'.

If you invite trolls to dinner, settle for the loincloth.

PIXIES

AMONG THE CLANS OF THE PIXIES OR, AS THEY PREFER, THE PICTSIES, IT'S

considered good etiquette to invite the whole of another clan to a huge banquet and then slaughter them all when they're drunk. Of course, this plan never works, because no pictsie is going to go to a banquet and lay off the drink, even if his chieftain has told him to stand by for some butchering later on, so what usually happens is that you get two roaring drunk mobs trying to slaughter one another and missing. A perfectly ordinary feast, in other words.

It is said that, if you leave a saucer of milk out for the pictsies, they will break into your cottage and steal everything in your drinks cabinet.

ETIQUETTE WITH SCARECROWS

THIS MAY BE A BIT STRANGE, AND ONLY APPLIES IN LANCRE. IN FACT,

it only really applies to Unlucky Charlie.

Unlucky Charlie was made many years ago as a sort of target for use in the Witch Trials*, and has been blown up, blown apart, sent flying and generally magically mangled for years.

What we did not realize in them days, of course, is that if you keep throwin' magic at something, some of it sticks.

There is something scary about scarecrows, in any case. I know that's their job, but I mean scarier even than that. They're not exactly people but they're not exactly just.. .stuff. Or maybe it's those cut-out eyes.

Unlucky Charlie moves about. No one has ever seen how he does it. He might turn up in your garden, or right under the front of the window. You might come down of a morning and there he is standin' by the fire. I once found him in my bedroom, still on his stake.

The important thing is not to make a fuss or rush about, and certainly not to touch him. You can say things like 'Good morning, Unlucky Charlie,' or 'You're looking very frightening today, Unlucky Charlie.' If there's a meal and he's in the room, put out a portion for Unlucky Charlie. He won't eat any, but some people say that he rustles a bit, which might mean he's sayin' thank you although it could be just mice.

*A general get-together when witches from all the Ramtops come and meet in a typical witchy atmosphere of sisterhood and goodwill (i.e., all nice smiles over the top of a seethin' mass of envy, scurrilous gossip and general touchiness - I like the Trials). The witches show off tricks and spells developed during the year in a spirit of friendly co-operation (har bar) to see who is going to come second to Granny Weatherwax, although of course this is all in fun and not a serious contest (I can hardly keep a straight face even when writin' this down). And there's a bonfire afterwards, and more gossip. In the bad old days, my own granny told me, a real person was sometimes used instead of Unlucky Charlie, but witches ain't like that any more. Well, most of them ain't. Some of 'em, anyway. Me, at least.

It is quite all right to dry clothes on him, because Unlucky Charlie likes to be useful. But remember to take them off him before you go to bed, otherwise they'll be gone in the morning and so will he.

People say that if Unlucky Charlie conies to your house and feels he's been well treated you'll get a monster crop of pumpkins next year, even if you didn'/ plant any seeds.

Do not play tricks on him, or stay up to watch him leave. A few people have tried it and they've been found very deeply asleep the next morning and, for ever afterwards, a little bit quiet and very reticent on the whole subject of straw.

Rules of Precedence

THESE CAN BE very tryin' for even the most experienced hostess. Now, of course, the way to start would be to tell you how to address dukes and counts but, you know, you can go for days without ever havin' an earl to dinner. Anyway, your genuine

aristocrat swears worse than my granny and never bothers with a napkin if there's a footman to wipe his hands on. I used to work up the Palace when I was a girl when they used to have visitin' nobs of all kinds. I could tell you stories (but I won't because gossip is not in my nature). Let's just say I could've been a duchess ... well, tecbnic'ly ... if I hadn't been quicker on my feet. For your average party, the rules of precedence run like this:

Witches (this is automatic, and witches sit where they like). Someone who has brought a whole bottle of whisky with a

name you recognize.

Someone who has brought a whole bottle of whisky with a

name you recognize, but which, on closer examination,

is spelled wrong (this is definitely a sign that you

shouldn't spill any on the carpet).

Someone who can play a musical instrument really well

while drunk.

Someone who has brought any kind of bottle of drink (if it's a second-hand bottle with an old cork hammered in halfway, though, have a care. Some of the very best drink comes out of the deep woods in second-hand bottles. Have a sniff. If your eyes water, you have a new friend). Someone who can play a musical instrument really well

while sober.

Anyone with any interestin' gossip.*

Anyone who can do interestin' tricks, like makin' faces through a toilet seat or farting in tunes (people always remember my parties, often for years). Everyone else.

* I always say: if you haven't got anything good to say about anyone, say it to me.

See how sensible this is? Even if you're a duke, unless you brought a bottle or know all the verses of the dirty version of 'Where Has All The Custard Gone?' you're nobody at one of my wanes. I was once at a posh do in Ankh-Morpork and there was one man there everyone was bowin' and scrapin' to and, you know, he didn't sing a single comic song? He didn't even bring a bottle and even trills know to bring a bottle. Some people have no idea how to behave, in my opinion.

Modes of Address

A LOT OF MY old etiquette books make a big thing about this and really it boils down to a few simple rules.

When you are dealin' with armed men, or people who employ armed men, there is no time to wonder if you are dealing with the second son of a viscount or whatever. No. What you are dealing with is ed^ed weapons, and edged weapons are always addressed as 'sir'. Or even 'my lord'. All edged weapons care about is that you know what you are in the scheme of things, i.e., something easily cut.

After that it's all a lot simpler. Gen'rally speaking, how you address other people depends on you. The kind of people who fret if they're called 'your graciousness' instead of 'your sire-ness' aren't worth knowing. I always find 'Wotcha, how's your belly off for spots?' and a good slap on the back works nine times out of ten.

Contrary to what you might believe, calling someone 'friend' or 'pal' is not considered friendly or pally. Nor is an inquiry as to whether their mother can sew.

Etiquette at the Table

SOONER OR LATER, as my advice helps you rise through society like a bubble of marsh gas, you will find yourself lookin' at a table covered in glasses (if you're looking at a table covered in glass, you have probab'ly strayed into one of those bars I mentioned earlier and it is time to call someone 'sir'). There will also be more cutlery around your plate than your mother owned. The advice used to be to start with the eating irons that are on the outside, but some butlers have got wise to this and have taken to movin' them around for a laugh. However, you can use this to your advantage 'cos no one knows the right ones to choose. So pick anything that looks useful and act with confidence. The chances are that the rest of the table will meekly join you and they'll be eating their soup with the teaspoons as if they'd meant to all along. I have to say, though, that the posher the dinner the fiddlier the food, and so you'll be one up on everybody if you learn to use the more difficult cutlery - asparagus tongs, pea shooters, parsnip spears and the like. They'll be useful for these tricky foods.

Artichokes:— The ideal slimming food, as the effort of fiddling with and eating them uses up far more calories than they contain. You tear off each leaf individually, dip the fleshy end in the sauce and then scrape the soft part off with your teeth. Place the uneaten portion tidily on the side of your plate, although it is permissible to flick it into the lampshade. Artichokes were invented because rich people didn't have enough to do with their time.

Asparagus:— Only ever eat these with your left hand, and never use a knife and fork, otherwise bluebirds will fly out of your nose. You dip the tip into the sauce, and then flip the end into your

mouth using the asparagus flipper. Eat only the soft part - it is very vulgar to polish off every bit, however hungry you are. Since asparagus does some odd things to the digestion I'm amazed it's posh to eat, but it's probably because it's hard to grow.

Bread:— Again, use your left hand. Never bite pieces off your bread. Instead tear off little bite-sized pieces and pop them in individually, buttering them first, on a side plate, if preferred. If a fool or jester is employed, it is in order to throw rolls at him underarm.

Butter:— This will be displayed in pats on a separate dish. Take one pat and put it on your bread plate. Don't spread straight from the butter plate, because it will poison you.

Caviar:— The nobby way to eat caviar is from the little pad on the outside of your left hand, between your forefinger and thumb. However, since people also take snuff in a very similar way it is important not to get confused. It is not the noseful of fish eggs that is the problem, it is trying to pretend that you meant it.

The much less etiquette way is to eat the caviar with accompaniments like chopped egg, onion and lemon juice.

But the real way to eat caviar is with a ladle and a glass of the sort of drink that turns into vapour an inch from your lips.

Cheese:— It is usual, when helping yourself from the cheeseboard, to endeavour to leave the cheese in a tidy and usable state for the next person. No one likes an untidy cheese. Use the cheese knife.

Corn on the cob:—In posh houses you'll be given two forks to skewer either end of the cob. Others will expect you to hold it with your fingers. However you eat it you will get bits of corn stuck in your teeth, which will provide oral exercise and a snack for later in the evening. If you need to remove your false teeth

during this meal, do it politely behind a napkin. Do not do the 'gottle o' gear' routine, because no one ever laughs.

Fish:— It is now acceptable to eat fish with a knife and fork (instead of two forks, as used to be the accepted method; the use of the fish rammer has quite died out). Fillet as you go and never turn the fish over. If you do find yourself with a fishbone in your mouth, this should be spat into your left hand and placed on the side of your plate. Never use your fingers. If you are choking to death, nod respectfully to your host as you lose consciousness.

The cherry problem:— People say to me, 'Mrs Ogg, how do you eat cherries and prunes and other things with stones when you're in posh company?' And I shall tell you.

Eat these whole, spitting the stones into your left hand and discreetly depositing them on the side of your plate, even if an inviting target presents itself somewhere else on the table. However, if the hostess has had the foresight to provide cherrystone shooters, and indicates that these may now be used by delicately pinging one off the head of a guest at the other end of the table, much simple merriment may be enjoyed.

Most countries have some equivalent to Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor', and it is in my opinion perfectly all right to swallow a few stones in order to square yourself with whatever profession you wish. What does a burst appendix matter if you get the job you want? It is not etiquette to nick a couple off a neighbour's plate in order to improve your prospects, but it is allowable to sell him some if you have some to spare.

Royalty are also allowed to count their stones publicly, although of course the rhyme for them can only be 'King, King, King, King, King, King, King, King' (or 'Queen'), which does not make for much in the way of dramatic tension over the custard.

Oysters:— These should only be eaten on a day with a 'y' in it. They'll be served raw in their shells. You squeeze lemon over 'em and then just pour 'em down your throat. The sensation is a bit like having a bad cold and no handkerchief. And that's about it for oysters. They're much better if you cook them with a bit of bacon, because then they taste of bacon.

Pasta:— Eat this with a fork, never a fork and spoon. Place the fork vertically on the plate and twist around a small portion of spaghetti, pulling to the side of your plate. Some big houses now boast a set of clockwork spaghetti forks, which can reduce the effort required.

Peas:— In polite circles in Ankh-Morpork (and these are pretty small circles), peas are squashed onto the top side of the pea fork for conveying into the educated mouth. In Quirm, it is acceptable to blow them onto one side of the plate by means of a special straw.

Snails:— Most people rely on thrushes to dispose of these garden pests, but they are still considered a delicacy in Quirm. Much of the Quirm diet developed during a twenty-year siege, when the population scoffed its way through the entire contents of the zoo and were then reduced to turning over damp stones and hitting with a hammer anything that moved. Snails are eaten directly from their shells. Apparently there's something called a snail fork, but I don't see how they could hold one.

Soup:— Always move the spoon away from you when picking up soup. You are allowed to bring it towards your mouth once the spoon is full. The bowl, too, should be tilted away from you when you are spooning up the last drops. This is one of those bits of etiquette that makes sense. No one likes a lapful of hot soup. Ask anyone.

Tea and coffee:— What to do when the tea or coffee is too hot is one of those little problems that crop up all the time. The correct way to deal with it is to put it into the saucer and fan it gently with your hat, while continuing to make polite conversation.

Alcohol:— It is scarcely necessary to remark that drinking too much wine is very bad etiquette indeed, my word yes. At one time it was actually fashionable to become intoxicated after dinner, but those days are gone, I am thankful to say. The wineglass is never drained at a draught in polite society (but see the section on Dwarf etiquette), nor should you wipe your mouth with your hand. That tablecloth is there for a reason.

'PORT A]VD CIGARS'

THERE IS A LOT OF MISUNDERSTANDING ABOUT THE WHOLE BUSINESS

of 'port and cigars'. After a high-class meal in some societies it is considered etiquette for the ladies to leave, but if you don't go no one seems to make you and you get some decent brandy and cigars plus perhaps a few jokes you haven't heard before.

Incidentally, when offered port you should say, 'Ah, yes, I will have a little port.' Everyone says this. You have to say it even if what you intend is a lot of port.

The port wine is always passed round to the left (to port). The problem is that if you miss the port as it passes you, on account of perhaps you are lighting another cigar or trying to think up a new joke, it is very bad form to ask for it to be passed back. The rules say you should pass your empty glass to the left so that it can catch up with the decanter, be filled by the person holding the decanter and passed back to you.

Now, this can cause difficulties, because by then everyone

except you has been drinking the port, and what with one thing or another you can find that your glass moves around the table slower than the port and the decanter gets back to you before you get your glass back. It's not good manners to hang on to it until your glass catches up, because people downstream from you will be dying of thirst.

I find the best way is to run around the table until you're ahead of the decanter, pull the chair out from under some other diner, and be sitting there ready when the port comes past. I've done this several times and there's been no complaints, so it's probably good manners.

Smoking

BEFORE SMOKIN' IN a strange house, I always feel it is a good idea to ask people around you if they mind you doing so. Anything less than a threat to kill you if you light up should be considered a 'no'. After all, the world is full of fools, and you are not allowed to object to that, even though passive stupidity kills so many people.

If you are stayin' in a house where they will kill you if you smoke, it is etiquette to smoke lying on your back in your room with your head in the hearth and blowin' the smoke up the chimney.

When smokin' in company, it is very bad luck to light three cigarettes with one match because the third smoker will be shot by a concealed sniper. Some people make such a fuss about a little smoke.

Be very wary around creepy signs that say 'Thank You For Not Smoking', because there's magic afoot. Otherwise, how did they know you wouldn't?

Some Notes on Gardening

PEOPLE SAY TO me: 'Mrs Ogg, should we sow our parsnips when the moon is waxing or when the moon is waning?' They say: 'If it rains on Soul Cake Tuesday, should we plant our early beans?' They say: 'Is it true that onion beds shouldn't be weeded after the 1st of August?'

And I say: the hell with it. Witches knows about herbs, because that makes sense, and the good thing about most herbs is that they grow all by themselves. You just go for a walk with your eye to business and there they are (the really useful ones, anyway; the ones you mostly see growing in gardens are only useful for shoving up a chicken's bottom). But witches don't garden. Gardening involves digging in cold weather. Where's the fun in that? And the rest of the time you're mostly trying to kill something.

What witches cultivate is people. It takes a lot less work to get friendly with a few keen gardeners and then, from about July onwards, you won't be able to move for free runner beans, tomatoes, courgettes the size of marrows and more rhubarb than was ever meant to happen. They love givin' the stuff away. It makes 'em feel proud. And it's good manners to respect other people's feelings. That's etiquette, that is.

Births

IN LANCRE WE don't go in for announcements about birth because everyone knows it's going to happen, sometimes before the young lady concerned, and in any case a lot of her muni's friends will be hangin' around the house or just popping in for a cupful of gossip on the likely day and I don't have to tell you that

by nightfall there may be lonely shepherds up on the hills who don't know everything about the birth, but I pers'nally doubt it.

However, these days young girls are findin' out what it's like outside Lancre, so it seems nothing will do but they've got to have at least a big sign on the door saying something like:

IT'S A BOY!

or

IT'S A GIRL!

or, in places like Slice and other parts of the Ramtops that are a bit backward in many ways:

IT' S A BABY!

(because I could tell you a few stories, but it is not in my nature). Other details may be added as required, viz., how much the baby weighs, what time exactly it happened, when the wedding is, and so on. Of course, in posher places with a town cryer and so on you can go further and compose hum'rous announcements like:

'We have an extra Peckweather! Bettina has bounced into the home of Bertie and Claribelle Lusillon Ironpurse-Peckweather. Bettina arrived at twenty-four minutes after three on the afternoon of 15 Grune. She weighed 71bs 2oz and was delivered by Goodie Rattle!'

But in my opinion this is a horrible start to give to any baby.

It is traditional to give a large bottle of rum to the midwife afterwards, if she is me. Another bit of etiquette to remember is to make sure the older female relatives are out of earshot, because the last thing a young woman needs at a time like this is some old neighbour rattlin' on mournfully about the terrible time she had with her eldest, who came out sideways playing a trombone, or something. "

NAMING CEREMOMIES, PRESENTS AMD OTHER MATTERS

(including special considerations for those in a magical environment)

FIRSTLY, WISE PARENTS SHOULD MAKE SURE THEY'VE READ ANY BOOKS

of folktales that might be around. Those stories weren't just made up, you know. They are there for your protection. Learn from history. Calling a girl Beauty or Rose Red or Shining Eyes is just asking for trouble. Don't go boasting to any kings about how beautiful she is. Incident'ly, if when she grows up she turns out to be able to spin flax into gold, my advice is to keep very quiet about it. A good move is to buy an old gold mine and then let on that you've struck lucky. A little forethought is all it needs.

However, it is okay to let your daughter be a milkmaid and sing

sweetly where any kings can hear, and encouraging her not to

complain about the fit of any shoes she might be asked to put on

by men in powdered wigs may stand her in good stead in later life.

Trust me on this one.

If you are a king your daughter will be beautiful. People have

tried all kinds of aids to beauty, like washing in the morning dew,

shoving yoghurt on their faces, etc, but for my money the best way

to be beautiful is to have a dad with a lot of money and a bunch

of armed men. It's just amazin'

how people will spontaneously

see what a beautiful princess

you are in those circumstances. There's a lot of little kings

along the Ramtops, and they're

always sayin' to me, 'Mrs Ogg,

how do you stand on golden balls?'

And, you know, this is a tricky one. You

just know what's going to happen if you give

a princess a golden ball. She'll lose it down the nearest well, and then a talkin' frog will turn up, and the next thing you know is you've got a son-in-law who . . . well, yes, he's a handsome prince, and I'll grant you that these are not to be sneezed at, but frankly you wouldn't want to see his family turn up at the wedding and anyway if they did they'd probably be in a jar.

I gen'rally cut through the whole thing by pointing out that gold is a very stupid thing to make a ball out of. They never bounce no matter how hard you throw them.

Boys is easier, and if you have sons it's worth trying for three. That sets the third one up nicely to marry any spare princesses that are around when he's grown up. If he can get a job as a swineherd, so much the better. It'd only be temp'ry. As Esmerelda Weatherwax always says, the stories are out there and it's up to you to leap on 'em as they go past (however, you can't bet on it. F'r'instance, when my boys was young I was always sending 'em off to take cows to market, and usually by the time they got back I'd always got a seed bed dug for any magical seeds they might have accepted, but all they ever brought home was a big handful of money. I must have slipped up somewhere).

Presents for the new baby need some thought. What Mum wants is a big bag of nappies, someone to do the washing and a nice long holiday somewhere far away from her husband. What she'd probably have to settle for is a bunch of flowers and in posher households a silver teething ring for the baby. Of course, it's helpful to her if you remember to give something to the other children in the family, who might be put out and gen'rally whining about the new member, so what I give them is a thick ear unless they promise to shut up right now.

On the subject of presents, in these rural areas where natural magic is still pretty strong, I ort to mention the treatment of any

witches or godmothers in the area.

What everyone hopes for, certainly, is a few of the nicer sort of witch or even a genuine godmother who'll be free with the Health, Wealth and Happiness business, but it is vit'ly important not to leave out any of the touchier witches that might live in the vicinity, otherwise someone'll screech 'Ahhahaha!' in the middle of the ceremony and the next thing you know is you'll be up to your neck in poisoned spinnin' wheels. After all, how hard is it to invite her along, give her plenty to drink and a plate of ham rolls all to herself and keep her out of the way of your posh auntie? Play your cards right and you could be ahead by one extra good wish. She may be a bit whiffy on the nose, but it's better than waking up a hundred years later and findin' trees have grown up through the floor. A bit of forethought is all it takes.

Courtship

IT MAY COME as a surprise that anyone needs any instructions about this, but even I was once a rather shy girl who had difficulty meeting young men. But it wore off by mid-morning when I realized what I was doing wrong.

The hardest part is striking up a conversation, but it is easy if you take your time and look for the right opportunity. My first husband was very good at this. We met because he was doing some digging for my dad, sweating away with his shirt off, and I wouldn't be givin' away any secrets if I said I found plenty of opportunity

to nip up to the log pile (which in these parts we always put right by the privy, so as to kill two birds with one stone). It was a hot day, but I don't reckon we ever had such a good fire going. Anyway, he looked up at me as I went up there for the tenth time and quick as a flash, I shall always remember, he said, 'Got the runs 'ave yer?'

There you have it - just the right comment at the right time. Also, it made me laugh so much I dropped a log on my foot and he had to help me indoors. After that, one thing led to another and he's called Jason.

I never see the lad with his shirt off on a hot day without thinking of his dad. Of course, we've all passed a lot of water since then.

ON PRESSINO YOUR SUIT

YOUNG MEN SAY TO ME, 'MRS OGG, WHEN A YOUNG MAN HAS

honourable intentions towards a young lady, how should he go about pressing his suit?'

And I think it is a good thing that a would-be swain thinks about this, because it's prob'ly the first time in his life he's ever had to worry where the ironing board is. It's best to try it out on an old shirt or two, unless going courting with brown arrow shapes all over your suit is fashionable in your part of the world. Once you've got the temperature right, it's time to try pressing the suit itself. Oddly enough, it's often the trousers that give trouble. Sideways creases do not impress, but I remember when our Jason first pressed his suit he managed to get four creases per leg, and the boxy look caught on around here for a while.

That's what I know about pressing your suit.

OM OIRLS MAKIMG ADVAMCES

SOMETIMES GIRLS AND WOMEN PLAN EVENTS WITH A DIRECT VIEW

to scraping an acquaintance with young men. Dropping something is an obvious way, although in public this is usually a parcel or sunshade.

It says in my old etiquette book: 'It is scarcely necessary to say that girls who stoop to this kind of manoeuvring are hardly ever gentlewomen. It cannot be denied that girls of the lower middle classes are prone to it. A gentleman should hesitate before choosing as a wife a girl who shows so little discretion as to walk and talk with young men of whom she knows nothing beyond what they choose to tell her.'

Well, in Lancre no lad looking for a wife who can help with the harvest is going to have much interest in a girl who can't pick up her own sunshade. If a little parcel is going to give her much trouble, she's going to be no good with a couple of buckets of milk, either. In fact it has been known for young men to drop a bale of hay in the road near the young lady's cottage to see if she'll pick it up. Any girl who'll pass up the opportunity of free hay isn't likely to be a provident wife, they say.

We breed good men in Lancre, but I have to say sometimes they could do with a good ding around the lughole.

OFFERIMG A1V UMBRELLA

MY OLD ETIQUETTE BOOK ALSO SAYS: 'IT IS ETIQUETTE TO OFFER

an unknown lady an umbrella in the street, supposing she stood in need of one. No lady would accept the offer from a stranger; and the other sort of female might never return the umbrella. In large towns women of breeding soon learn to view casual attentions

from well-dressed men with the deepest distrust.'

However, my advice is: it's better to make the acquaintance of a kind man than die of pneumonia. Person'ly, I've always enjoyed casual attentions. You might get a good dinner out of them. A lady is always polite, appreciative, and carries a horseshoe in her handbag. This is not for luck: the added weight can come in handy.

CHAPEROMES

IN LANCRE IT IS GENERALLY CONSIDERED ETIQUETTE TO HAVE A

responsible female relative within two miles of the young couple at all times.

In remote areas, and they don't get much more remote than up here, the age-old practice of 'bundling' is still, er, practised. On long cold winter nights, when the young man may have come a long way, he is allowed to share a bed with the young lady, although both remain fully clothed and a bolster is put down the middle. However, since love traditionally laughs at locksmiths, it probably grins widely at a pillow full of feathers.

A NOTE ABOUT LOVE LETTERS

ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS AN AREA WHERE A BIT OF THOUGHT RIGHT NOW

can save some red faces later on. Women have this habit of saving up billets of doux and tyin' them up with a ribbon and keeping them in a drawer somewhere and, sure enough, about ten years later you finds that the kids have dug them out and are reading them to their friends for a penny a time. Once again, a bit of foresight now can work wonders. With a bit of co-operation between the writers it's wise to begin the missives like this:

'My dearest love,

GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF THIS, YOU THIEVING DEVILS!

YES, WE KNOW IT'S YOU! PUT THEM BACK THIS MINUTE!'

Of course, it helps even more if you've discussed early on what names you're going to give your children when you have them. This will then earn you an entire quiet afternoon while they try to work out how you did it, and possibly also give them one of them complexes which will benefit them in later life. This is also a good time to mention:

THE SIGJVIFICAMCE OF STAMPS

THIS GOES BACK TO THE DAYS WHEN ANY LETTER THAT ARRIVED IN

the house was read by everyone and girls weren't allowed to have private correspondence until they were thirty-five.

When the stamp is in the centre at the top it signifies an affirmative answer to the question (we won't go into what the question might be), and when it is at the bottom, it is a negative. Should the stamp be on the right-hand corner, at an angle, it asks the question if the receiver of the letter loves the sender; in the left-hand corner it means the writer hates the other. If it is in the middle of the letter, it has covered the address, so the letter will be delivered to the wrong house but will make for interestin' reading and you'll get strange looks from the neighbours.

If there is no stamp you'll have to pay the postie. This means it is a very bad start to a relationship.

The Lancre Love Seat

IN TIMES OF yore, when a young man wished to show his young lady that he was of a mind to get serious and set up house with her, he would start to work upon the site of their new home.

The first act, so that he and his fellow workers (usually his family and friends) would have some facilities, would be to dig the privy. As time went on, this act became more symbolic and the young man would carve for his paramour an ornate privy seat. The carvings would include the name of the young lady and her swain, along with the usual flurry of hearts, cherubs and doves. Of course, this made them uncomfortable, but comfort has never been a big consideration when it comes to the realms of Amour, otherwise boned corsets would never have been invented.

The seats are now often carved in miniature, to be carried in a pocket or bag. Really skilled beaux carve the seats (or have them carved by dwarf craftsmen) so tiny that they can be used as pendants. These miniature seats are highly prized even in the elite circles of Ankh-Morpork, and an antique example made by skilled dwarf craftsmen can fetch thousands of dollars. Less exalted versions are often used as frames for mirrors, and are considered extremely risible.

Balls

(how to behave at them)

IT IS A truth self evident that a man in possession of his own teeth, a decent pair of boots, a couple of acres of land and some pigs that need feeding must be in want of a wife. Balls are a good way to meet one. That's why they're held. The dancing is just a way of passing the time, something for you to do while your mind is on other things. Even up in the Ramtops there is the occasional big ball, and these require a level of etiquette rather higher than your average village hop or hoe-down, where the key thing is to remember to go outside if you need to throw up.

Firstly you should, of course, reply to the invitation as soon as you receive it. It will say RSVP, and you must reservup. Put some effort into it. Your host or hostess has gone to the trouble of putting runny writing and gold edging on the card, so a decently spelled letter is the least you can do. Balls cost a lot to put on. Even if you're royal, it's good manners to let people know you're coming - in fact especially if you're royal, because nothing flusters people so much as an unexpected king.

The only exception to this rule, in the Ramtops, is witches. Witches just turn up, or not. It's accepted that they have all sorts of calls on their time.

If it says 8 p.m. on the card, and you believe it, you'll find yourself the only guest. Even though you do get a good crack at the drink before anyone else arrives, it's still not good manners. A good hostess will employ a few people to be 'early guests', so as the first real arrivals won't feel embarrassed (this is a good earner for anyone who can wear evening dress and doesn't have ears that stick out too much; you get some free drinks, all the canapes you can stuff in your pocket and a dollar for your trouble besides).

She will introduce you to other guests and, as a result, you may get much of your dance card filled. I've always thought these things were a bit pompous, but it's etiquette once again. It's considered good manners to dance with the host or hostess, and also any maiden aunts or surviving grandparents who will want to get out on the floor - and I've known elderly ladies who're still capable of dancing at 2 a.m. when a succession of their young partners have been helped out onto the balcony for some fresh air. The important thing is to keep your feet moving. Some of the steps are bound to be right.

It's also good manners to circulate and not just hang around the people you came with. A good tip here, I find, is to keep your eye on the people carrying trays of drinks and food. Keep up with them. The evening will pass very happily.

To young men I would say: you've prob'ly been invited because you can dance and are known to wash regular, so make yourself available to dance with any plain neglected wallflower. She may be spotty, but what is a sky without stars?

Incident'ly, in etiquettable circles it's not done to dance with anyone for more than two dances in succession unless you're engaged to them. Also, it's a good idea to have some non-controversial Smalltalk ready. 'I don't know about you, but I'm really sweaty,' is not suitable, whereas 'Don't you think it is a trifle warm in here?' is fine and, of course, invites agreement that perhaps a stroll on the verandah is in order. What could be more enjoyable than to sit in some cool retreat with a charming girl? Well, quite a lot, but some of it starts right there, just my little joke.

If you play your cards right and are seen out on the dance floor entering into the spirit of the thing, you will find yourself a favourite with hostesses and, if you take care to fill your pockets with loose nibbles, you might not have to buy any food for several months.

It is very bad manners to accept an invitation to a dance if you cannot dance. If you do, you may take the place of another who is more accomplished and your incompetence will make you a waste of space. Learn. Take professional lessons. Most of the steps are pretty easy, and the more understanding hostesses won't mind you painting 'U and 'R' on your shoes.

We can't leave the subject of courtship without mentioning:

The Language of Flowers

THIS IS SOMETHING that has died out in recent years, which is a shame, but you can see why when you read about the scandal. It all seemed so romantic until then.

Of course, these days all people remember is 'rosemary for remembrance' and a few odds and ends like that, but when the vogue was in its heyday there were more than nine hundred different items of vegetation (trees and even some vegetables as well as flowers) with their own meanings. In a way they were very much like naval signal flags, which can either have their own meaning ('Ship invaded by strange creatures in a metal saucer, am abandoning lunch'), or simply be a number or letter of the alphabet, depending on how they're used. To put it another way, you could use vegetation to say anything.

Those of you with a freewheeling type of mind can see that here was an accident just waiting to happen.

Down in Sto Lat, for example, there was old Mr Gladdybone, who was, how can I put it, the sort of old gentleman who sniggers when he sees a lady's washing blowing in the wind. And down the lane lived Miss Mellifera Buster, who was something of a folklorist, and who was the first person ever to try to get the constables to

prosecute someone for having an obscene garden.

She said she particularly objected to the Creeping Shrillflower, but planting it between the Love-Lies-Panting and the begonias was the last straw. Also, when she complained, the old man had waved an artichoke at her and talked about the hardy perennial Scarlet Bellweed, a flower she had never expected ever to hear on the lips of a man old enough to be her older brother.

She also considered the planting of peas and leeks in his back garden, easily seen from her bedroom window if you knelt on top of the wardrobe, was not as innocent as it seemed, considering the proximity of Nettle-leaved Forthright and Toad Spurge.

Then the old tree stump at the front of his garden had put forth a crop of Maiden's Puzzle, an unusual fungus, and since the old man had planted Old Maids Aplenty all round it she hoped she didn't have to explain to anyone what that meant.

The case went on for a long time and caused a lot of interest, especially since most people until then hadn't had a clue about the

code. It turned out, for example, that the famous painting Stilt Life with Blue Flowers by Augustine Simnel, prints of which turn up everywhere, was really a very unpleasant attack on his mother-in-law if the blooms were read clockwise. As for the floral walk which Lord Ouida had planted through his estate after he'd been forced to re-open an ancient footpath, well, mothers used to cover their children's eyes after they got past the rhododendrons. Mind you, that man was a Creeping Foxglove/Mouse Cress/Climbing Elderberry/Water Dropwort, and his father was no better.

The madness died away after a while, although not before a particularly obscene hedge was torn down, and I suppose it was because of that that the whole language of flowers folklore was forgotten. There was also some talk that Miss Buster had made up some of the dirtier ones, particularly the one about the Ragged-leaved Trefoil, which I didn't even understand until I was thirty. And I still can't see a dandelion without grinnin'.

I did hear that some time afterwards Miss Buster married Mr Gladdybone, but I expect life was no bed of roses.

Here are some pretty flowers and their meanings:

Marriage

E1VOAGEMEMTS

EVEN IN THESE MODERN TIMES YOUNG PEOPLE STILL DO LIKE

to go through the motions before marriage and sometimes they even get engaged (just my little joke). As my old dad used to say: 'If you think being engaged is fun, just wait 'til you're married. In fact, please wait until you're married'.* I always think our dad didn't get out much, and it was a good job he was a bit deaf.

People say to me, 'Mrs Ogg, who should be the one to propose marriage?' and generally I don't see that it matters if it's the boy or the girl, but things have been let slide a little if it has to be the girl's father. Arranged marriages are still pretty common in these parts (and now I come to think of it, what other kinds are there? It's not as if the boy and the girl and all their relatives and a new dress and the priest of choice and a slap-up knife-and-fork tea for forty all turn up in one place by accident, is it?). I'm talking about the kind where an observant mum has a word with her daughter and then with the mum of the boy, and then both dads get told, and it's generally agreed that a wedding within the next few months would be a good idea. I've known plenty of good old marriages that began that way, and at least it reduces the element of surprise all round.

But in a nutshell there's a lot of agonizing about this and it doesn't matter at all. Marriage isn't something someone does to someone else. It's perfectly all right if the woman asks, it ain't like it's begging. The important thing is to know the answer in advance.

Whoever does the asking between the couple, the young man should then ask the bride's father, but this is okay because first the girl has an informal word with her mum to make sure it's sorted

This joke was dug out of a peat bog, and is prob'ly a thousand years old.

out all right. It's really more of a way to get the old man to shell out for new dresses all round but he'll probably hurrumph a bit and, as they say, seek reassurance that the young man has the wherewithal to support his daughter, because it's v. embarrassing to rent out the attic bedroom and then find she's back on the doorstep two weeks later. The swain will also get asked if he has any other 'expectations'. It is not polite to raise any points about the girl's expectations at this point.

It is usual to have a bit of a party once an engagement's been announced. This used to be so that the two families could get the measure of one another and see if any special weapons will need to be brought to the wedding, but things are a bit more civilized now (see Fights, later on). It is not a good idea to bring along any of the more embarrassing relatives; save them until the wedding, by which time it's usually too late to run.

Lengths of Engagements:— Mostly engagements last no longer than six or seven months, but being engaged can become a habit. Take Yodel Lightly and Miss Conception Weaver, who were engaged for sixty-five years.

I suppose neither of them was much taken with the passions of the flesh, what with her being so skilled at lacemaking and, of course, he had his pigeons, but, as she always pointed out, it meant that things were sorted out. Most of the time, space being hard to come by, they were waiting for people to die - his old dad, her old mum, his old mum, her old dad - and then just waiting became a sort of habit. Then they died, on the same day; he fell off his pigeon loft and she got blood poisoning from a needle. Old Brother Perdore was a decent sort and had 'em buried in the same grave, just to prove that poets don't always know what they're talking about. I don't know what they're waiting for now.

The Ring:— This has got to be large and glittery, otherwise the girl will have to walk round with her hand extended in an awkwardly nonchalant fashion. They are usually non-returnable and it's not good manners to hand one over attached to a piece of elastic. My advice to a young man is not to spend a lot, beause it's the thought that counts. You can always say you're saving up for the new cottage or whatever, and anyway you might have to buy some more one day. I used to know a lady who had all her engagement rings made into a charm bracelet. This is not a cultured thing to do.

When to Marry:— By and large, it's still best to try and get through the ceremony before having a baby. On the more mundane topic of what time of the year and of the day to hold your wedding, it's good to aim for the warmer weather (so do think about that when planning any events that may require you to get married!) Also remember to avoid Octeday, which is sacred to the followers of the church of Offler; on that day they are not permitted to have any fun at all because the prophet Jeremanda once spent a bad Octeday during his holidays in Llamedos. As to time of the day, the meal after the ceremony is, of course, usually called the wedding breakfast. Logically, the service should be held around 8 a.m., which then allows most of the rest of the day for serious feasting, quaffing and falling down. Also, breakfast cereal is quite cheap.

THE WEDDIMG

The Bride:— By right and ancient tradition, the bride is the focal point of any wedding and her duties are largely to do with making sure that she and her attendants look good on the big day. She appoints her bridesmaids, pages and any other attendants that she may want (matrons of honour, for example).

By tradition, the bridesmaids are dressed in outfits that under normal circumstances they wouldn't be seen dead in, often with little floral headdresses, which they are then given as a present after the ceremony. The dress is consigned to the back of the wardrobe and forgotten about until ten years later, when her children need something to dress up in.

Invitations to be a bridesmaid should not be accepted lightly. Why does the bride need to be surrounded by attractively dressed young women, which might serve to remind the groom of what he's leaving behind? It's because there's safety in numbers. Any evil spirits hanging around to cause bad luck for the bride will get confused, or so the belief goes. If you pay careful attention to any wedding ceremony you'll see that a lot of those funny little extras, silver horseshoes and the like, are really there to keep the bride safe. Dangerous times, weddings. That's why I always advise inviting any friendly witches along and making sure they get plenty to drink. You'll be thankful in the long run.

The Groom:— The bridegroom chooses his best man and the ushers, whose job it is to keep the crowd quiet and confiscate the larger weapons. He has to pay for all the flowers and all the costs of the service itself (even if you're just jumping over the broomstick, which used to be the popular method in Lancre, it's best to remember that a broomstick costs money and also that the people holding it may become, through lack of money, so confused that they lift it up quickly just as the groom is going to jump). The groom also has to buy presents for his and

his wife-to-be's attendants. Most important of all, he has to provide everything for their new home - including all linen, glass, plate, furniture, fixtures and fittings. Under a Ramtops tradition he also has to conclude his stag night by digging a new privy in the garden of his new home and throwing up into it.

The Bride's Parents:— The bride's parents have to pay for all food and drink (including the wedding cake) and any other costs connected with the 'breakfast' and the evening party (including floral displays). They pay for the bride's and bridesmaids' dresses and any clothes for other attendants. This can be expensive for a man blessed with many daughters, and is the downside of having someone to look after him when he starts to dribble. Traditionally, he also had to find the dowry. In the case of kings and so on this was sometimes a whole duchy or something, and I suppose for the really big royal families the happy couple would have to make a list, otherwise they'd end up, it always happens, with three very nearly identical baronies and no toast rack at all.

Best Man:— The best man has to marry the bride if the groom fails to turn up. He may or may not therefore have strong incentive for his other major task - making sure that the groom arrives looking smart and in reasonably good condition, and is vertical, or alive, or at least present.

This can be a challenging task, since he also has to organize the party the night before, the sole purpose of which is to see that the groom does not arrive looking smart, ekcetra, ekcetra. So apart from a good head for strong drink, he also needs to know, to within a few minutes, how long it'll take the groom to wake up, escape from the handcuffs, break out of the chickenhouse, remove all the boot polish (at least from visible areas) and hop all the way to the nuptial venue with both legs down one trouser.

The Bridesmaids:— Mainly there, as I said, to be occult decoys and, if carefully chosen by the bride, to make her look good by comparison. They carry posies provided by the groom, who also gives them each a small present as a token of thanks. It used to be the case that the groom was expected to actually chase and catch his bride on the big day. The groom's presents to the bridesmaids is a tradition dating back to when the groom used to bribe the bridesmaids to lure the bride to a location where he could catch her without too much effort. Personally, whenever I hear anyone say this, I always ment'ly add, 'That's what he thought.'

How to Have the Fight:— A fight is traditional at all Ramtops weddings, except those involving royalty, where the tradition is a small war.

Lots of people have asked me for advice about this. They say, 'Mrs Ogg, can you just rely on there bein' a fight?' And, yes, you gen'rally can. My advice is to make sure the drink is strong enough and that people are seated right to make it happen quite soon. That way you've got it over with and can get on with things without that naggin' feelin' that something's wrong. Once it starts, though, it's vital to see that it goes properly, viz:

Stage One: This is what some people call The Challenge. It starts as soon as people have a few drinks inside them and start to chatter, whereupon Man 1 will say, per'aps:

'What was that you said about our Lil?'

(This is only an example, of course. Other suitable challenges include: 'Hah, you wouldn't talk like that if you knew what our grandad told us about your mum,' and, if all else fails, 'That's my pint you're suppin'' (although this is considered pretty poor and suggests not much thought has gone into things).)

This will take us to Stage Two: The Question. Again, this is fairly

formal, but Man 2 can choose between a number of inquiries, seekin' to ascertain as it might be whether Man 1 requires a face-ful of dandruff/knuckle sandwich/a nose that touches his ears on both sides.

The men will circle one another three or four times, which should not be difficult by now since both parties will be findin' it a lot easier to walk in circles. The crowd at this point are permitted a number of witticisms and shouts of encouragement, such as, 'Kick him inna fork, our Sam!'

At this point one bystander, known as the Shover, will push one of the circling men towards the other (technic'ly this is Stage Three, which does not last long). This will result in some aimless flailin', but the first decently landed blow will result in Stage Four: tbe Wives. At a signal, the ladies associated with the men will each grab their partner and shout variants on 'You wait till I gets you 'ome, I can't let you out of my sight for five minutes!' Hitting the man over the head with handbags is ritual at this point or, if the reception has gone on for some time, a bottle may be substituted.

Stage Five begins when one of the ladies says to the other something on the lines of, 'I'm surprised you've got the nerve to show your face here, after what you did to Aunty Shipley!' and they then fall to fighting with rather more malign expertise than their menfolk, who bury their differences to separate the couple before something expensive gets broken.

The bride then cuts the cake.

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES

I can never remember what each anniversary is signified by. I asked around among my friends and people seem to agree on the following:

FIRST soot or coal

SECOND lacy privy stationery holder

THIRD musical model of Brindisian gondola

FOURTH cardigan or long combs

FIFTH colander or tea-strainer

SIXTH pottery carthorse

SEVENTH small box to put things in or things to

go in a small box EIGHTH garden ornament NINTH nether garment or nightshirt TENTH bobbin or sock FIFTEENTH Llamedosian spoon TWENTIETH stuffed donkey in straw hat TWENTY-FIFTH cooking apron with amusing

anatomical design THIRTIETH lobster or crayfish THIRTY-FIFTH picture of sad green Agatean lady FORTIETH rabbit made from sea-shells FORTY-FIFTH teacosy

FIFTIETH gold

FIFTY-FIFTH four-poster bed

SIXTIETH troll's tooth

Deatb

IT IS DEFINITELY very etiquette to mark the departure of some close friend or relative. If you go to their funerals, as we say in Lancre, they'll come to yours.

An important first step, though, is to make sure they're dead. It's amazin' how often people overlook this simple job, which can lead to much lack of etiquette and people havin' to run all the way back home from the graveyard to fetch a crowbar. But shouting 'Are you awake, Sid?' in their ear is not enough. In the Ramtops we organize a wake.

For those who don't know what a wake is, it's a bit like a birthday party only quite different. For one thing, no one is going to blow any candles out. Also, the requirement for jelly is seriously reduced. People can be quite cheerful at a wake, because it's not their wake. If the recently passed-away was popular, all their friends will come to pay their respects and give 'em a good send off, and if they're unpopular, everyone will turn up anyway to make sure they're dead. I advise lots of beer, and you can't go wrong with ham rolls. Some people like the coffin to be upright and open, but I think it is more etiquette to have it closed, especially if you are short of tables. Also, an open coffin can be a problem if people have had too much to drink, and are helping one another home and have got a bit short-sighted, because there's nothing more worrying to those tidyin' up than to find that the dear departed has

Death in his various forms comes to everythin§ and everyone. (PS: We really meant that about the arsenic.)

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really departed, and his old friends are halfway down the lane and wondering why he won't join in the singing.

An advantage to that, though, is that if the deceased is not dead, just sleeping, they might join the party, as happened over in Creel Springs when old Cable Volume woke up and asked for a pint and his friend Joe keeled over. Still, they had the beer and grub and a coffin all ready, hardly used, so it all turned out for the best, really.

In the big towns and cities things are a lot different.

I reckon that a long time ago, when people were walking around in skins and living in caves, someone dropped dead and while everyone was having a good cry someone shuffled up, presented his condolences, and said this week there was a special offer on shallow graves topped with cave bear skulls covered in ochre, and for only one big lump of mammoth extra there was also the option of having the grave lined with seasonal flowers. And so undertaking began. It is now very fashionable to be embalmed after you're dead, because the afterlife is uncertain and it may be possible to take it with you.

-OOIIVO AWAY' PARTIES

ONE OF THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING A WITCH OR A WIZARD IS THAT YOU

learn the time of your death in advance, and sometimes months before the big day. No one seems to know how this happens. Old witches I've spoken to say that one day you just wake up knowin', just like you can remember your birthday.

However it happens, it can be quite a saving in terms of buying new suits or starting any long books, and it is generally regarded as a good thing. After all, if you've lived a long time, and 100 is no age at all for a wizard or a witch, you're probably getting a bit bored and int'rested in seeing what happens next.

Wizards used to have 'going-away' parties, although I understand they don't happen much these days. They were a bit like wakes but with the principel guest still takin' an int'rest. I've heard stories that one or two wizards passed away from drinking or eating too much at their going-away parties, which raises very puz-zlin' questions about Destiny, Fate, and so on. Generally it was all very good-humoured, especially if the wizard was really old, and a time for speeches and friendly recollections of times gone by.

Since wizards (and witches) can see Death, they always left out a glass of something and an extra plate of canapes in case he fancied a snack. You cannot go wrong with a ham roll.

For witches the 'knowledge' means that they can get their cottage really clean and an inventory done for the next occupier, because it'd be terrible to be dead knowing that you'd left things unswept. Traditionally they also dig their own graves and lie down in them towards the end, leaving the next witch to fill it in, because it is also not good manners to make more work than is necessary for other people.

Witches do not hold parties, although they do sometimes take tea with the other local witches to make sure that everything is handed over smoothly (you cannot go wrong with a ham roll). Also, over the years other witches will have had their eye on, as it might be, prized washstands and interestin'ly patterned basins and other items the soon-to-be-deceased might have accumulated, and it's much better to get this all sorted out beforehand. This prevents the other witches havin' to find excuses to nonchalantly enter the cottage afterwards, which can be particularly tricky if two do it at once. A true witch disdains any amount of fame and money, but will black someone's eye with the fender for a candlestick she's been coveting for thirty years. Many a spat involvin' quite serious magic has begun with the cry 'She promised it to me!'

As I have indicated, it is perfectly etiquettable to arrange your life so that everything ends cleanly, and a witch who dies just as the last log from the pile is smoulderin' in the hearth will get a reputation for being prudent as well as, of course, being dead.

What is not good manners is to tempt Fate. You might think that because you're not going to die for three months it might be fun to spend a few weeks climbing mountains, since it won't kill you, but there are no guarantees against accidents and in any case there is such a thing as a long and lingerin' death. The point is to wrap up all the loose ends neatly, which is as much as any person can hope for.

FLOWERS

MANY PEOPLE NOW SPECIFY 'NO FLOWERS' AND ASK INSTEAD FOR

friends and more distant family to send donations of cash to a good cause, and in Lancre they ask for crockery for the wake, because a wake gets through a lot of crockery. I person'ly think that is sad. Flowers are a good tradition and one of the oldest there is. Of course they die off after a while, but then so do we all. That's the point, really.

PERIODS OF MOURMIMG

PEOPLE WORRY LESS ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING THAN THEY USED TO

when I was young, when you bought a lot of black clothes around the age of forty and that was your wardrobe until all you needed was a shroud, and then I suppose at least the white made a change. I'm sorry to say that the tradition these days seems to be to avoid the close relatives for a few weeks out of embarrassment and then mumble something next time you can't avoid them.

That is the whole point about etiquette. It stops people having to flail around not knowin' what to do. It may be daft but at least there's some sort of rules which everyone understands.

When my fourth granddad died - my granny was a very good cook, and people came for miles around for her lard dumplings -my granny kept her curtains drawn for a week and it wasn't because of the effects of the wake. She also wore black for the rest of her life, but she'd been wearing black since she was thirty-five so that didn't make much difference. It used to be like that in those days; once your kids were grown up you got a sort of ment'l letter which said: You are an Old Person, and that was it. For a woman that meant a shawl and a bonnet was compuls'ry for the

next sixty years, and the men would have to wear a grubby waistcoat and concertina trousers and take up an allotment.

I pinched this list of 'mourning periods' out of my granny's scrapbook. She was very keen on doing the right thing. Of course, in those days mourning and going to funerals and writin' letters of condolence and so on were quite a hobby for some people:

ONE MONTH Friend's relatives

THREE MONTHS Distant relatives (second cousins twice removed

and so on)

six MONTHS Closer relatives (uncles, cousins, etc) ONE YEAR In-laws, close friends TWO YEARS Very close relatives (immediate family) THREE YEARS Family pets (I see my granny has written in 'no

goldfish')

No one seems to bother with these any more, but she also had rules for what the widow is supposed to wear. It makes you think.

First six months following death of husband:— Black only Next three months:— Sombre grey may be added to the range Three months to end of year one:— Grey can totally replace black First six months of year two:— Purple may be added to the range Second six months of year two:— Lavender may be added to the

range Year three:— It is now permissible to wear white clothes, if

trimmed with black

I haven't even gone into the particulars about crepe and silk, but it's pretty obvious that mourning was a full-time job. It doesn't actually say when the black edging stops or when she can get married again, but three years seems a long time to wait. If I'd

waited three years I'd never have got anywhere. Person'ly I think black underwear is sufficient (provided it is meant to be black, of course; there are Standards, after all).

Husbands, on the other hand, wear mourning for only a couple of months. I find this very significant.

DEALING WITH THE UTsTDEAD

AT FIRST GLANCE THIS APPEARS VERY SIMPLE. NEARLY EVERYONE YOU

meet is 'undead'. That's why they're called 'alive'.

But in fact we're talkin' about people who ought to be dead but ain't. They're mainly:

Vampires: the most troublesome kind of undead. This whole area has got a bit more difficult these days, what with vampires coming out of the casket and being more in-your-throat about what they do. Obviously, there's no book of etiquette at mealtimes. Here, however, are some sensible tips:

1 Don't go anywhere near a vampire's castle, no matter how bad the weather.

2 Having gone near the castle, don't knock at the huge forbidding door.

3 Having knocked at the huge forbidding door, don't accept the invitation from the strange man in black clothes to go inside.

4 Having gone inside, don't go into the guest bedroom.

5 Having gone into the guest bedroom, don't - whatever you do - sleep with the window open.

6 Having slept with the window open, don't come runnin' to me to complain.

Werewolves: and people say to me, werewolves aren't undead. Well, if you kill them without using fire or silver, you'll find them turning up again tomorrow. I can't think of a better word than 'undead'. Except possibly 'nuisance'.

Your pure-bred werewolf is gen'rally all right. When they're human, they act human, when they're a wolf, they act like a wolf. Except for their tendency to growl when they're annoyed and piss up against trees, you'd never know they was werewolves if you met 'em socially. Well . . . sometimes they have a tendency to ... you know . . . sniff, but none of us is perfect.

If you are invited to dine, expect a lot of meat. And sometimes biscuits. Most of them love chocolate, so that is always a little gift worth taking along. Expect to go for a long walk in the afternoon.

Zombies: they're dead, but they won't lie down. No matter what people say, no one becomes a zombie unless they've got some very strong reason for staying alive, like some important task they have to finish. The proper etiquette is: since they're humans, treat them as human. It is not good manners to make cutting remarks like 'Isn't there something you should be doing? Like lying down?' and certainly not 'Decompose yourself.' They do appreciate little gifts of scent, aftershave and other strong-smelling items, and, believe me, you will want to give them these things.

Royal Occasions

IN MY EXPERIENCE people can tend to behave in an unnatural way when they find themselves in the presence of royalty. There is no need. Just remember they're only human; they all go to the toilet. Not when you go, of course. There are still some around who can have you put to death as soon as look at you, but mostly they just want to get through the day, they've seen people like you before, their wavin' hand is aching and if you do something daft you'll just get a tight little smile that'll haunt you for the rest of your life.

In Lancre we have what I suppose you'd call a constitutional monarchy if we had a constitution. What this means is this: there is only one king and more'n five hundred subjects, and they all work every day at jobs which mostly involve sharp things. It's one of those lessons that are so obvious they don't have to be taught.

It's all very fashionable these days for royalty to be accessible and busy itself with getting out and meetin' people. I think this is a bad idea. Politics is like chess, you need to know where the king and queen are all the time. There's nothing more annoying than doing a particul'y difficult roof and suddenly there's the Royal Family at the bottom of the ladder shouting up things like 'How long have you been a thatcher? How fascinating!' It's all very well sayin' royalty should do what the people want, but they'll want something different tomorrow.

MEETINO ROYALTY

WHEN YOU ARE PRESENTED TO ROYALTY, NEVER SHAKE HANDS.

Touching royalty is considered to be a gross intrusion. This is because royalty is contagious, and can rub off. That is why kings and queens wear gloves. Of course, this is only my opinion, but if you marry royalty you become royal and much more beautiful, if you're a woman, or more handsome, if you're a man, so there must be some reason. There's a magic to kings.

The King and Queen should be addressed, on first meeting, as 'Your Majesty'. Thereafter, they may be addressed either as 'Your Majesty' or as 'Sire' (for the King) or 'Ma'am' for the Queen. 'Ma'am' is pronounced to rhyme with 'ham', not with 'harm', These little touches make all the difference.

When talking to them, it is a good idea to avoid controversial subjects such as 'What about this republicanism, then? Is it a good idea or what?' and stick to general, unremarkable comments on the lines of Tf the ham in these sandwiches was cut any thinner I could see right through it.'

You should never refer to the King or Queen personally as 'you'. You should say, for example: 'I trust Your Majesty is enjoying the banquet'. Do not say 'There's plenty of meat left on that bone. Pass it here if you don't want it.' Rather say, 'If one does not wish to partake of one's gristle, one would be glad to take it off one's hands.'

Everyone knows that royalty traditionally does not carry money. However, it is not good etiquette to say, T can lend one a bob or two if one is short.'

TROOPIMG THE COLOUR

THIS IS A MAJOR CEREMONY IN THOSE KINGDOMS WHICH STILL HAVE

an army and when you see all the pomp and stamping it's hard to remember that the whole purpose is just to show your average common soldier what his flag looks like.

Obviously you'd think they'd just know, but in the days when half your army were either prison scrapings or ploughboys who'd never seen a pair of trousers before, it was not always so easy. So 'Trooping the Colour' was invented to make sure everyone knew what their 'colours' looked like, so that they could recognize it in battle and return to it if commanded. There had been several embarrassing incidents where generals had been halfway home after a battle when they realized they had taken the wrong army, and this sort of thing can lead to bad feeling.

In Lancre, with an army of just one (Pte/Cpl/Sgt/C-in-C Ogg, S.), the flag is simply kept in the soldier's bunkhouse, so that, effectively, my boy Shawn performs the ceremony each time he goes to bed. It also acts as a handy extra blanket in cold weather. He knows it's the genuine Lancre flag when he sees it, because of the cocoa stains.

GARDEM PARTIES

KING VERENCE AND QUEEN MAGRAT LIKE TO HONOUR LOCAL

worthies and visiting dignitaries by inviting them to garden parties held at Lancre Castle. Invitations are sent out by the Lord Chamberlain (Mr S. Ogg). These are fairly delicate affairs, where the strongest liquor available is tea and food consists of sandwiches containing a variety of non-animal-based products. Most Lancrastians try to ensure that they only attend one of the affairs.

This has led to a return of the traditional practice of royal invitations being considered to be 'commands'. By the royals, anyway.

INVESTITURES

THIS IS THE CEREMONY WHERE HONOURED CITIZENS COME TO

receive awards of knighthoods or ironmongery for their services to the community. These can rank all the way up to a large house and a dukedom for life.

In Lancre it's all a bit more low key, but now we have the awards from OLE (Order of the Lancrastian Empire) for services to the Kingdom of Lancre (last presented to my son Shawn for his work in stopping draughts at the castle), down to a new set of Morris bells for being Lancrastian Dangerous Sports Personality of the Year.

We used to have knights and dames, but Lancre is a bit small for that sort of thing. I person'ly think the office of Dame could be re-introduced for any witches of a lit'rary inclination in the country, especially since I've already got a pair of spotted drawers and could always lay my hands on a goose if required.

What many people probably don't know is that when the sovereign dubs a knight by tapping him on the shoulders with a sword, it signifies that this is the last occasion when he can honourably be struck with a sword without returning the blow. There have been one or two occasions where recipients have forgotten this and which has led to some nasty scuffles.

If I have not got this wrong, this means that if you succeed in hitting a knight and running away quickly before he can fetch you a wallop, the King has to take his knighthood away from him.

 

 

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